Where Have You Gone, Joe Dimaggio

Originally uploaded by Beatrice Petty.
Had a lovely evening out last night. We arrived at Easy & the Fifth just before 8. Upon check in we were given a new persona and because the universe has a grand old time poking fun at me on a consistent basis, I was given Marylin Monroe.

The purpose of this little game was that you then had to go and find your mate. For me, that meant going up to every guy in the bar and asking him if he was Joe Dimaggio. Girl magically became Gwen Stefani looking for her Gavin Rossdale (lucky her... or so it seemed at the time). After several minutes of trying to find everyone's favorite Yankee, Girl and I got into a discussion about what you do should your match turn out to be severly lacking in the looks department. At that moment, almost as if on cue, a rather unfortunate looking fellow approached us and asked "Gwen?", to which we both replied "No". 1.5 seconds later, Girl demanded a new name and got Star Jones.

Um... does ANYONE know who the honk Star Jones is married to?

Don't feel bad, no one at the party knew either. Sadly neither one of us ever did find our matches.

Things I learned at Easy & the Fifth:

1) If a single person asks another single person at a singles party to tell you "their story"... please do not go into a long and horribly depressing narrative about going through a bitter divorce from your wife who cheated on you with your best friend. This is not the best way to impress a girl. Yikes.

2) If a section of the club is roped off and closed for a private party and someone(s) (in the case Bea and Girl) who is(are) not invited to attend this party tries to sneak in... you(they) will be humiliatingly hunted down by the bouncer and kicked out of said private party. Who knew?

Anyway, very fun time, but we decided to head up to the Madison to meet up with a friend of Girl's.

Things I learned at the Madison:

1) The Madison should be used as a classroom example of a modern day labrynthe. Telling us that you are on the upper patio means nothing to us when we can't find how to get there. In a moment of drunken brilliance I decided to call the only person I could think of who had any knowledge of the place so we could get directions. This resulted in a little drunk dialing of my own to the former-PNB at 1am in the morning.

2) Drunk dialing in a really, really, really loud bar... so loud in fact that I could not hear the ring in my ear... is really not a good idea. Sorry UHL.

3) The mirror behind one of the bars is NOT, in fact, a whole other room. It's just a mirror... that reflects images... like most mirrors are apt to do. "Hey, there's a person who looks just like me in that room".

4) Thinking that a mirror is the gateway into another room is surely a sign that another beer is asking for trouble.

So, the Maddi was fun as well. Didn't find my mojo at either place but I made some steps in the right direction... namely in that I showed more boobage than I have in a really long time. Yay Bea! Now I just need to get some colour on the old girls so I don't blind people with my pasty-white boob glare.



john boy said...

5) Do not use the phrase "pasty-white boob glare" while in search for lost mojo.

mollyblogger said...

... or refer to said boobs as "the old girls"... LOL

Sorry you didn't get your work on, Bea. Next time, huh?

Beatrice Petty said...

People said to show my boobies more... and I did... and now I'm getting guff. I give up.

Here ye, here ye. For the rest of the summer it's turtlenecks and big long capes.


LuckySpinster said...

Mystic Tan + Exposed Boobage = Found Mojo

john boy said...

There you go. The Spinster knows of what she speaks.

Beatrice Petty said...

Tee Hee,

That's funny.

Mystic Tan, here I come!!!

Nicole said...

Star Jones is married to Al Reynolds...doesn't anyone else have an addiction to US Weekly and In Touch?

lornStar said...

this is really weird.. you really beat around the unkept bush to your readers cuz you left out the two biggest highlights of your night 1) finally getting to meet ME the often imitated but never duplicated the high stylin' the jet flyin' the limousine ridin' the one the only your friendly neighbourhood lornStar live and in the flesh and 2) being offered to partake in the ancient Mexican right of passage the "Dirty Sanchez" with that dude!... which i still can't believe you said "yes" to! LOL!! man, i warned you didn't i?? LOL!!you are one uber-crazy biiiyyatch!!! how was it anyways? are you going to write about that? i can't WAIT to read it!

lornStar said...

ok ok ok .. i will make an addendum... she did meet ME.. but she NEVER agreed to the "Dirty Sanchez".. she isn't down with the brown... and "biyyyatch" is meant as a term of endearment.. not as anything rude...

lornStar said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Beatrice Petty said...

Hey Lornstar...

Glad you could join us finally. It was great meeting you as well. One glaring ommission... you TOTALLY forgot to mention how adorable you thought I was ;)

Sadly, no offer to participate in the "Dirty Sanchez" was extended to yours truly, but you were kind and generous enough to edu-macate me on some other ranchy bedroom antics... the "Ghost Mask" I think it was? That sounded like fun!

Until we meet again,

PS. Thanks for the Sex on the Beach. It was delish.

Girl said...

Another thing we learned at the Big Cheesy (or at least I learned) - You make a comment about a guy's drink 'What's mixed in with your Red Bull?' And Bam - he buys you exactly what he's having 'Here, why don't you try it?' Counteracting that, what I learned at the Maddy - A guy's idea of offering to buy you a drink means asking you for money to buy you a drink.

Beatrice Petty said...


LuckySpinster said...

lornstar is scaring me.

what's a dirty sanchez?

yes, johnboy, i invented boobage. i wear boobage tops and several of my girlfriends make sure they tell me when they wear "callie" tops in public that expose a little too much cleavage. boobs rock. girls have 'em, boys like 'em, even gay boys are fascinated by 'em. boobs rock. caramel-colored Mystic Tanned boobs rock harder. (ew, that sounded gross. like they're fake or something.)

Beatrice Petty said...


this should answer all your questions: