To Laugh or Not to Laugh


So we all know that I am single. And we all know that I am sort of mostly OK with being single. But sometimes a truly unique experience gets thrown my way whereby part of me laughs hysterically to the point that I have to run to the bathroom lest I tinkle on the couch... and the other part sobs like a little girly-man at my lot in life re: my love-life situation.

Something that may not be as well known as my lot in life is that I LOVE Borat. I saw the movie ages ago and it was like, the funniest thing ever. After watch the movie film I speak like Borat for many days. You like?

The following is a copy and paste of an e-mail I got on my soon-becoming-not-so-favorite online dating site. HOPEFULLY you are familiar with Borat and read the following in his voice. If not then it makes the following not so much hysterically funny as it does pathetic and sad. And by pathetic and sad, I am referring to my life...

i need date from you, im loving caring respecting guy
i give pure love , i dont hurt my girl at all
i m alone without partner for more than one year becouse of my travel.(No sex too becsue its not my target)
i need girl to be my love forever
i wish she is you
tell me something about you
are u really single?
tell me about ur study or work.
tell me about ur family,your life,when it was last time for you with man in relation,last time u had sex.,kind of places u like to go??
give me your mail to add you plz?!!

I should mention here that is particular fella, who had no pic and listed his height as smaller than 5 feet, had the following three interests: friends, sex, reading.

In that order.

I like reading too.


To Move Or Not to Move...

That is the Tuesday...

Please find following a diagram that, for the most part, sums up my day.

To Whom It May Concern;

Please accept this letter of introduction as my intent to apply for the position of *insert job title here*.Currently I am employed as the chief ass wipe at the *insert company here* but increasingly, I am beginning to question whether my employer values my skills or the importance I play in the day to day operations of my department. Although probably not the most appropriate place to bring this up, I would like to mention here that I am pretty much the only person at said organization who knows how to do anything. End of story. But do they listen to me when I try to tell them this? I think we both know the answer to that.

However, my reasons for wishing to leave are thus. Firstly I will no longer have access to natural light. This, in essence will cause me to wilt away and, I am quite positive, die. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, they have taken away my red Swingline stapler. I had rightfully swiped this stapler from the office of the last person to be "restructured" out of a job and I say FINDERS KEEPERS and I refuse to be a loser weeper dammitt. That stapler is rightfully mine and I will shoot staples at you to the death, to the DEATH if you try and take it away from me. And believe me, I will not come out on the losing end. SUCH, is the power of the Swingline stapler.

In conclusion, I thank you, in advance, for considering me for the position of *insert job title here*. If I may be so bold as to suggest that we not even bother with the preliminary interviews and that instead you just make things easier on everyone and go ahead and offer me the position now. $90,000 per annum should do it. Oh, plus benefits, expenses and company car etc... References available upon request, unless of course you are actually going to phone them and then screw you... I do not want to work for any company who does not trust me.

Beatrice Petty

PS... 4 weeks of holiday is also a must.


My Bad


So further to several postings that I have made over the course of the three years or so I have been writing this danged thing... I am the biggest and most clueless idiot ever.

So not only was I completely wrong about the Scotsman maybe wanting to be more than just friends... Apparently I was wrong about him wanting to be friends at all, or even casual acquaintances, chat buddies...anything. In short, I was wrong about him even admitting that he knew who I was after we met... And NO... no funny business happened. If it did, I could at least have understood the complete and utter lack of acknowledgment that I even existed. How does someone go from being infatuated with someone one minute, to hanging out and simply watching TV the next... to never wanting to speak to that someone ever again ever for as long as they both shall live?

Will I ever understand men? Me thinks not. But then again, that's why I am single.


A Funny Thing Happened...

On the way to making friends. So it turns out that my wee Scottish laddie and I are MFEO, whereby MFEO means that we pretty much have everything in common, but enough not in common to make things interesting. Whether that translates into something more than friends remains to be seen but we may be on the way to something a little more. Who knew that ‘friends’ plus ‘hang out’ could equal ‘dating’? We hung out last night for the first time. Watched some vids at his place which I know seems quite like a bad idea to do with someone who you have never met in person, but honestly, I can’t remember the last time someone had seemed so familiar to me. So really, I felt like I was spending time with someone whom I had known for ages. It was truly the most bizarre thing.

Another bizarre thing, somewhat but mostly completely unrelated, is living once again in a neighbourhood where I actually know people. No longer is heading anywhere after work a production… no subways or buses… literally a 5 minute walk, at the most, to pretty much anywhere I might want to go. Such is the case with Scottie. The only downside being that where I would practically prepare to be away from the loft for days at a time when I went out, now I barely bother to even put on anything besides flip flops because it feels like I am just jotting next door to the neighbours to borrow some sugar. The only downside to this, as far as I can see and in fact happened last night, was that one might forget to bring some quite useful things along with one when one leaves the house. Things that were one traveling quite far would surely take in certain circumstances.

For example, if one was planning on walking far from one's home for long distances on a dismal October evening one would surely take along, say, perhaps a coat. And should that particular evening have been preceded by one of the rainiest days in recent memory with the weather folks only omising more, one might also think that an umbrella was a good thing. For while it may not be pishing when one leaves one’s own place it very well possibly be raining when one left someone else’s place in a few hours time. And even though one might only live a very short distance away from someone else, even walking 5 minutes with no coat in the pouring rain at 12:30am would still be enough to soak oneself, leaving said person looking like a drowned rat.

Lesson learned? Probably not. But then again, sometimes one has a hard time learning from one's mistakes and one repeats them over and over and over again… which one might do the very next time one leaves one’s house on a dismal October evening that threatens rain with no coat or brelly to go over to someone’s house that one has never even met.


Cross-Dressers and Scotsmen

Hope everyone’s turkey weekend was great! I am happy to report that in addition to hobbling around the mini-apartment, I was able to gimpily make my way to a pub down the street to watch my boyfriend play against Macedonia. A few thing things to note, besides chastising someone for dissing my Peter… Ok, so he mostly just heads the ball but he can’t help it so shut the hell up (making friends is fun)… The first being that despite the former-PNB telling me that this particular establishment was a dive and that I should never ever go… it was not, in fact a dive. Proof positive that one should never take anyone’s word for gospel, especially former-pnbs.

The other thing to note, perhaps the more important of the two, is that in addition to be the only female in a see of fun-living and beer-drinking at noon on a Saturday… about 90% of these gents were of the British persuasion. I felt like I was in pig heaven albeit slightly saddened that I had waited until now to attend a game there… words for gospel… former-pnb… blah blah blah…

So that was exciting and well worth the 10$ places such as these charge to watch games. We didn’t win but I got my Peter Crouch fix which should tide me over for the next little while.

And now, to more important things… Me. More specifically me and dating. There hasn’t been anything new to report because, well… there has been nothing new to report. I’ve met a couple of people but no one really outstanding save for the short and bald English dude who, quite frankly, I never would have given a second thought were it not for the fact that he was English. There was a guy who seemed quite promising however I could not seem to get it through his head that taking naked pictures of himself and offering to send them to me was a huge turnoff. Nor was wanting to see naked pictures of yours truly going to happen either.

By way of background, I have no issues with people who take nude pictures of themselves, or who like to take nude pictures of their significant other. I myself am just not into these sort of behaviours. This is mostly/ entirely due to my oh-so-prudish nature. Also, I get cold without any clothes on so sitting there waiting for someone to take my picture in the buff just doesn’t work for this reason alone… but it’s mostly because I am a prude and proud of it. I also don’t want to see pictures of myself on the internet. Nor do I want to have said person send these pictures to others in his acquaintance. You might laugh at that but I have this friend. I love him to death, but he’s a bit of a dirty bird and while I may not agree with some of the things that he chooses to do in his life, I love and support him no matter what. But because of this friend I have seen more naked web cam pictures of girls than I would care to admit and I am sure, if anyone were to steal my computer and open my received files, they would probably assume that they had stolen the computer of a lesbian. A lesbian addicted to cybersex. So a bit of advice to those who engage in this sort of behaviour, especially women. You can rest assured that the person with whom you are engaging in this act with will almost definitely pass the pics along to someone else in their circle of friends. In fact, I may have already seen your naked ass…

Ok, so enough about me being more prude than a Catholic nun… So buh-bye naked pic guy… Next…

Next was Samantha. Samantha was a cross-dresser and a very beautiful one at that. It’s amazing how some make-up, a wig and some girl’s clothing can turn even the most masculine of men into a very feminine and attractive woman. I had to give this gentleman props about his honesty and truth be told, I am more open to dating a man who likes to wear women’s undies every now and again than one who likes to take and exchange nudie pictures. But… well, in the end it's not really my thing either. Thank goodness Samantha was not English otherwise I would have had quite the dilemma on my hands.

So after my heavenly afternoon spent in the company of English football hooligans, being wooed by a naked lawyer and very gentlemanly cross-dresser, I decided to once again take a break from dating. Not to say that I do not want to meet people, but not for dating. At least not like this… The great thing about this particular site is that you have several options to chose, not just dating, or relationship… you can dabble in ‘intimate encounters’ or ‘other relationship’, which I have never understood because you also have ‘friends’, ‘hang out’, ‘activity partner’ and ‘talk/e-mail’. I honestly cannot figure out what ‘other relationship’ entails so if anyone can shed some light on this that would be great! this may or may not have something to do with the fact that prudish people do not engage in 'other relation ships'.

So ‘friends’ it is. And the outcome? Well, I would be lying if I did not mention that I spent the better part of yesterday speaking with a Scottish chappy who lives but a block away from me who is also looking for people to hang with. Sigh, it’s been ages since I’ve been blessed with a wee Scottish brogue. I’ve been promised the opportunity to meet more expats in the near future and have returned to pig heaven from whence I came earlier in the weekend… or brogue heaven as the case may be.

Stay tuned for news at 11


Hob, Hob, Hobbling Along

Happy Turkey Weekend all… Especially to my good friend Wee who is tying the knot this weekend in Vancouver. Work commitments left me unable to attend originally but those have since been usurped by ‘Back Healing' commitments.

I envision this weekend to go something like this:

3am - Awoken by Hugh who still deems 3am as an acceptable time to play

5am - Fall back asleep

7am – Awoken by Hugh… again, but this time with string in tow. I will rue the day I taught him to play fetch.

8am – Fall back asleep… again

9am - Wake up, this time without help from Hugh. Hugh fast asleep. Take advantage of cat nap (literally) to make up for lost sleep during the night

9:30-11am - Get out of bed at some point... Hobble to the washroom… Hobble to the couch…

5pm - Hobble off the couch to make dinner

5:30pm - Hobble back to couch

10pm- Hobble to bed

Repeat as necessary

Good Times