That is the Tuesday...
Please find following a diagram that, for the most part, sums up my day.
To Whom It May Concern;
Please accept this letter of introduction as my intent to apply for the position of *insert job title here*.Currently I am employed as the chief ass wipe at the *insert company here* but increasingly, I am beginning to question whether my employer values my skills or the importance I play in the day to day operations of my department. Although probably not the most appropriate place to bring this up, I would like to mention here that I am pretty much the only person at said organization who knows how to do anything. End of story. But do they listen to me when I try to tell them this? I think we both know the answer to that.
However, my reasons for wishing to leave are thus. Firstly I will no longer have access to natural light. This, in essence will cause me to wilt away and, I am quite positive, die. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, they have taken away my red Swingline stapler. I had rightfully swiped this stapler from the office of the last person to be "restructured" out of a job and I say FINDERS KEEPERS and I refuse to be a loser weeper dammitt. That stapler is rightfully mine and I will shoot staples at you to the death, to the DEATH if you try and take it away from me. And believe me, I will not come out on the losing end. SUCH, is the power of the Swingline stapler.
In conclusion, I thank you, in advance, for considering me for the position of *insert job title here*. If I may be so bold as to suggest that we not even bother with the preliminary interviews and that instead you just make things easier on everyone and go ahead and offer me the position now. $90,000 per annum should do it. Oh, plus benefits, expenses and company car etc... References available upon request, unless of course you are actually going to phone them and then screw you... I do not want to work for any company who does not trust me.
PS... 4 weeks of holiday is also a must.