Only a Gentleman for me thanks!

Mark Darcy
Originally uploaded by Beatrice Petty.
If you read the roomie's blog, you would already know that we watched Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason last night. It was super fun!

After it was over, we took the "Who's Your Man" quiz in the special features section. Needless to say, it was pretty much a foregone conclusion who we would each choose.

As you go through the quiz, you are given a series of multiple choice questions such as:

When should the guy propose?

When should the subject of children come up?

Should you always try to look your best for your man?

Would you forgive a guy who has cheated on you?


And so, I watched as Molly answered these questions first... all the while laughing to myself; knowing that her answers were sooooooooooooo far apart from what my own were going to be. It really did not come as any surprise that her answers led her to Daniel Cleaver, while mine led to Mark Darcy.

It was an interesting exercise to say the least. As a single gal on a seemingly never-ending quest to find out what I am looking for in a man, it was quite telling that a little quiz suggested that what I am looking for, in plain english, is a gentleman.

It's true. Watching the movie last night, I liked how Mark really loved Bridget for who she was... despite her quirks and wobbly bits. And that even despite a few misunderstandings, he still came through as her knight in shining armour.

And so now, I seem to be a little closer to understanding what kind of character traits I would like in a potential life partner. I want someone who, in the event that I get thrown in a Thai jail for allegedly smuggling cocaine, will fly around the globe to save me (don't laugh... it could happen... Did I ever tell you about the night I spent in a St. Lucian jail???). I want someone who will to go to battlefor me should my good name be slandered. I want someone who is willing to wear the dorky sweaters that his mother gives him for Christmas.

In short... I am looking for my Mark Darcy... but... in answer to one of the question from the quiz... if push came to shove, I wouldn't kick either of them out of bed.

Bea (this is my diary) Petty


How To Win Friends...

Yes, yes... second posting today... But I've got something to share and it must be shared now. To make it short... I am still seeing my Irishman, but I am not "stuck" on my Irishman. He's very nice, and sweet, but... well... Anyway, I just "lava" met a new boy yesterday and I did my usual "I don't msn... here's my number. Call me" thing... But he didn't call so I felt the need to qualify my reasons to him... And so, feeling particularily inspired this morning, I wrote him. Will it work out? Probably not. But I have at least been highly amused all day at work today. Enjoy.

So, I hope that I didn’t frighten you by giving my number. I realize that it does seem a wee bit forward… And just because you haven’t been frightened enough… I am going to drag you into my world and explain to you the method behind my madness.

I hate Lavalife… I don’t HATE it. I’ve met some really nice people so I really don’t have any complaints. I just prefer to meet people the old-fashioned way. If you meet a someone in person, you don’t give them your email/msn address so that you can write back and forth for weeks on end. You meet someone in person and you get to know them via the telephone and in person.

I am a writer… I make things up. I’m good at it. I like to believe that anyone who I meet on Lavalife could just as easily have been a person I met while out and about on the town… say Chapters or the AGO.

Let’s say I met you at Chapters… in the um… World History section. You accidentally bumped into me causing me to drop the copy of “Polish History for Dummies” I was holding. You bent down to pick it up for me and said.

“Polish History for Dummies?!? That is a great book, I purchased it myself not a week ago. Very easy to read. I found the section on the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth period to be particularly enlightening”.

To which I replied “That’s so good to hear. I’ve been tipped that one of the categories on Jeopardy next week will be on Polish History and I want to make sure I’m read up on the subject”

… and from there, we continued talking about Polish History for a few minutes. I was very impressed by your immense knowledge on the subject and it made me curious as to what other subjects you were interested in and had knowledge of. I also thought you were very cute. But then we both had to go. You were double-parked and I had a hair appointment. But before we parted ways, you suggested getting together sometime later in the week for a coffee or some beers. I said that I would enjoy that very much. And then you asked for my number and said that you would give me call sometime in the next couple of days. And then we both walked in the opposite direction… You to move your car, me to purchase my book on Polish History… But we both had smiles on our faces.

The End

i guess it could be said that i'm all about proving people wrong. either that or i love a good yarn and would like to offer my revisions to said prologue.
Polish history unfortunately won't work. i don't know a thing about European, let alone Polish history. Can we go revise that to Chinese History? that way we can still say we were in the world history stacks and i won't get called on my inability to recall any of the key points of the Polsigh commonwealth period. So let's say i was holding a book on the Qi'in dynasty and you asked, "hey isn't that the empereor who unified the Warring States under one central authority and had all those terra-cotta soliders buried with him?". to which i responded - "wow! you sure do know your early Chinese history!" and then we can fall into the Jeopardy scenario. Which only furthered my resolve to get to know you cuz well, as i was thinking she's pretty darn cute and wow what a mind! that's sexy!
and second, and probably most important, it was my bicycle that was double parked! rather 'double-chained' as it were to this crazy low-rider that i knew must certainly belong to a latino gangster and for fear of my bicycle's life i had to move it before he came out of the boxing club around the corner.

but wait a second i forgot to get your number! but all wasn't lost just yet!
because you happened to notice that i had coyly left a business card in the book that i hastily dropped back on your shelf as i ran for the door -
and on it you were able to find a way to get in touch with me -

I opted not to go for the book on Chinese History as I figured that really only one of us needed to be an expert on the matter. Instead, I decided to pick up the copy of "19th Century European Peasant Costumes" that I had been DYING to read for months now. You just never know when that information is going to come in handy. Thus, I had no idea that you had given me your business card.
However, as luck would have it, that "latino-gangsta" just happened to be my hairdresser. Unfortunately, for you, you happened to put a scratch in his precious low-rider, but being the very nice person that you are, you opted to step into the boxing club down the street to seek out the owner of the vehicle. It just so happens that that boxing club ALSO doubles as a hair and beauty salon... and precisely the place where I had run off to get my hair done. Sadly, at the exact moment that you entered I happened to be mid-way getting my hair washed and thus had my head immersed in the sink. But VERY fortunately, I was able to recognize the distinct voice as belonging to the "oh so adorable... and so very schooled in the history of the Far East" gentleman who I had encountered briefly in Chapters just minutes ago and whose number I had failed to get. And while I was unable to get my head out of the sink due to the abundance of shampoo suds in my hair, you exchanged contact information with my hairdresser Juan (who thought you were hitting on HIM by the way)... and he in turn shared it with me.
I just hope that nothing happens to it on my way home...

you'll never believe it in a million years - so, as i'm walking home and being unable to wait for the requiste 'cooling-off' period to elapse before i decided to call. i say to myself "to hell with cool, things went swimingly with when we bumped into each other i'm gonna call her!". so i dial -
"hey, this is michael we met earlier today...?"
"si" to which i immediately think "strange, i didn't notice a puerto rican accent earlier". but, i quickly dismiss the thought as the conversation turned going out for drinks and "hookin-up" all the while a pervasive under-current of sexual tension wove it's way through the planning.
so, i head out to the planned rendez-vous. thinking, to myself wow what a forward thinking girl jennifer is to want to go out for drinks in "the village".
so i neter the darkened confines of 'zippers", glance around - no sign of you anywhere. i think to myself "she, must be running late". so sit myself conspicuously at bar and proceed to order a single malt scotch. after what seems like an eternity and a couple of scotches later who should come and sit down next to me at the bar? JUAN? as he says hello, i quickly recognize the voice as that of the caller to whom i spoke earlier! it seems i've been duped!
and well..yada yada yada..
boy is my bum sore today!!!!!

So there you have it... a a rather creative fellow... a nice change from the ordinary don't you think? Will keep ya'll posted.


ADDENDUM: March 31st, 2005: Just finished watching Jeopardy. The re was a whole category on Warsaw, Poland. Freaky!
The Moral of the Story is...

If you sneak into a movie, the Universe will punish you. Sadly for Beatrice, her "me" day yesterday did not go as happily as planned.

As everyone was working yesterday except me, I decided to spend some time downtown... Do a bit of writing... catch a flick. The writing went well so I made way to the Paramount theatre at John and Richmond... The rockingest theatre in all of Toronto. I went there intending to see Robots, but ended up in Be Cool.


Worst movie ever... Even worse than that stupid Colin Firth movie the roomie and I saw at the Toronto Film Festival. At least Colin Firth was there in person... I made eye contact with him... I am pretty sure that had there not been soooooo many people around, he would have stopped and asked for my number. Bad timing... anwyay. I think that even if Vince Vaughn had been sitting in the seat beside me stroking my hair... the movie still would have sucked. Sufficed to say, I felt very ripped off. The only thing I could think of that might possibly make up for this train-wreck of a movie was, of course, to sneak into another movie...

Robots. More than anything I was excited to get the bad taste out of my mouth that was left there by the previous film. Sadly, this was not to happen. Not with Robots at any rate... If someone wouldn't mind explaining to me WHY Ewan McGregor dropped his adorable accent for this movie? Am I to assume that there are no Scottish Robots? Who would want to live in a world where there were NO Scottish Robots? I, for one, would not.

Alas, I had been thwarted in my attempt to see a half decent movie. And what of my punishment for having snuck into a film? Well, I awoke at 4am... and was unable to fall back asleep... my mind filled with guilt at my law-flaunting ways... I learned my lesson... I will never do it again... Of course, I did end up eating only popcorn yesterday... and A LOT of it. Perhaps my body was simply trying to digest all that kernelly goodness. Either way, lesson(s) learned... No eating popcorn while having illegaly gained entry into really bad films.

Thanks Universe!


If you see one movie this spring...

Dear Frankie
Originally uploaded by Beatrice Petty.
Make it Dear Frankie. The roomie and I saw this during the Toronto International Film Festival... I had some tix... there wasn't anything else that really struck my fancy... it had Gerard Butler in it... I really like Gerard Butler... He's adorable.

Anyway, we went and saw it... A quiet little Scottish expectations...

WOW. I don't want to go into all the details of what the film is about, but it left me thinking that they really don't make enough movies like that these days. Actually, let me qualify that. They really don't make movies in North America like that these days.

There's a difference between small budget, independant movies that are made in the UK and those made in North America. With some exceptions, I find that smaller movies (ie, those without explosions and other special effects) made in this part of the world are too dark. They deal with issues like drug/alcohol abuse, alternative lifestyles, physical abuse, mental issues and other such happy themes. I prefer to not watch movies about these subjects... If I want to see them, I'll turn on the news...I don't write about them either... I use movies and my writing as an escape from the ordinariness (new word) of my life, so I prefer my escapism to be light and fluffy... I'd like my life to be light and fluffy. Disagree and call me simpleton if you will... I can accept that. But it is who I am... so there.

Conversely... and again there are exceptions (ahem... Trainspotting), those little movies that come out of the UK are so very nice. Simple stories about real people... a sort of "this is what my life might be like if I lived in a little village"... I like that. To me, an effective character driven story doesn not have to mean that the characters are battling some dark inner/outer demons. Again, others will disagree. I am OK with that.

So, anyway... there you have it. If you enjoyed any of the following movies: Saving Grace, Waking Ned Divine, Green Fingers, The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill and Came Down a Mountain, Four Wedding and a Funeral, The Full Monty, Calendar Girls, Local Hero, you'll really like Dear Frankie.

If you've become disgusted with the crap that seems to have come out in theatres of late, Dear Frankie will restore your faith that there are still great stories left to be told.




Originally uploaded by Beatrice Petty.
Def: confused by affection or infatuation.

First off, let me say a big huge congrats to the sexiest couple on the planet right now. As an admitted Anglophile and Monarchist, I am surprised to find myself happy for the couple... after all, Camilla has certainly been vilified around the world as the evil "other woman"... but love is love and no one can argue that these two don't really care for each other.

Besides, it's Spring. The time for new beginnings and fresh starts and any other cheesy saying that you can think of...

Back to Twitterpated... it seems to be the best word to describe me at the moment... confused by affection. I have the nicest boy in my life right now... wee little Irishman. He's doing everything right... He calls every night... He emails every day... flatters me to no end.

Granted, I can hardly understand a word he says on the phone... He mumbles... For those of you not acquainted with an Irish accent, let me tell you that a mumbly Irishman is very difficult to understand... so perhaps I am mistaking flattery for rugby talk or something else of that nature.

Despite all this, for some reason I find myself not as GaGaGiddy as I have been in the past. Why? I don't know... I really like him... I am fascinated by him (he has lots of layers that I am eager to peel away at)... I am very attracted to him... In short, there is no real reason why I am not my usual "OMG... WE are so MFEO... I love my PNB... yippee" self when I've got a new boy in my life.

I'm starting to think that all the work I've done with regards to my emotional self has started to pay off... I'm excited... but not tooooooo excited. I am eager to get to know him better... but not tooooooooo eager... I'm not analyzing every little thing that he does or doesn't do. I'm just accepting it for what it is...

... the START of something new and exciting. After all, it is Spring.

Happy Easter everyone,


Call me the Bionic Woman!

My adorable baby
** once again this picture has nothing to do with the subject matter of the posting... I couldn't help it... Oreo is just toooo cute!

So, just a funny little tale from Beatrice's childhood to relate to you all today...

When I was young, I was obsessed with The Bionic Woman. I was obsessed to the point where I insisted that everyone call me Jaime. Everything I did was accompanied by that oh-so special dadadadadada sound effect. I did things in slow motion.

My delusion even went so far as to include Jamie's dog Max. We only ever had cats. My parents had to buy dog food for Max. He had to be fed whenever I ate. The car door had to be held open until Max got in the car... He came everywhere with me. Oddly enough, my parents fully encouraged this fantasy. Maybe I didn't have any real friends and they thought "hey, at least she's got something to keep her occupied".

My brother had his own little childhood craziness. He fully believed that he was Super Spaz... crime-fighting teddy bear extraordinaire. He used to run around with a cape, and a t-shirt upon which my mom had sewed S.S. My brother was picked on a lot when he was younger. In all fairness, once he got older, he turned his Super Spaz adventures into a comic strip of the same name. He did all the drawings and the writing. Truth be told, the comic strip was really, really bad, but I like to think that it helped inspire him to become the amazing artist that he is today. And for all those people who made fun of him (present company included... I was such a mean big sister)... he grew up and became completely adorable. Hugh Grant, eat your heart out!

As for what the Bionic Woman inspired in me? I'm not sure, but I have just realized that there are not nearly enough cheesy sound effects in my life... my poor roommate... she has no idea what's in store.



Snips and Snails, Sugar and spice


Snips and snails,
And puppy dog tails,
That's what little boys are made of.

Sugar and spice,
And all things nice,
That's what little girls are made of.

Nursery rhymes are funny things. I remember this one from when I was young. Exactly what it was trying to prepare me for... I'm not sure. Upon closer examination, there are oodles upon oodles of nursery rhymes about little boys and little girls... about proper behaviour, what is to be expected of them etc... and some other crazy adult behaviour. Here is just a sampling:

Georgie Porgie , pudding and pie;
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
Georgie Porgie ran away

So, in hindsight, this nursery rhyme should have prepared us women for the dating scene. In a way, you cannot blame men... after all, apparently they were socialized from a very young age to mack on as many women as possible... woo them, make love to them... and then break their hearts... That's lovely. I also detect the slight teachings of homophobia in the latter lines, but I could be reading too much into it.

Little Jack Horner,
Sat in a corner;
Eating a Christmas pie,
He stuck in his thumb,
And pulled out a plum,
And said, "What a good boy am I."

Hmmm... sexual inuendo, the lot of it! Thumbs? Plums? I'm blushing right now for crying out loud.

Old King Cole Was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he,
He called for his pipe,
and he called for his bowl,
And he called for his
Fiddlers three.

Old King Cole was a pothead... What chance did I have?

The Queen of Hearts,
She made some tarts,
All on a summer's day.
The Knave of Hearts,
He stole the tarts,
And took them clean away.
The King of Hearts,
Called for the tarts,
And scolded the knave full bore.
The Knave of Hearts,
Brought back the tarts,
And vowed he'd steal no more.

This rhyme is about adultery... pure and simple. The Queen of Hearts would have been more aptly names the Queen of Tarts. I mean come on... she was lucky that her husband loved her enough to take her back... although the King did scold the Knave "Full Bore"... I wonder what that meant?

Curly locks , Curly locks,
Will you be mine?
You shall not wash dishes,
Nor feed the swine,
But sit on a cushion,
And sew a fine seam,
And feed upon strawberries,
Sugar , and cream.

Now this is more like it. Every girl's dream is to not have to feed the swine... just don't make promises you can't keep bucko!

Little Boy Blue , come blow your horn ;
The sheep's in the meadow, the cow's in the corn.
Where is the boy who looks after the sheep?
He's under the haystack , fast asleep.

Typical man...

Bea Out!


Irish Eyes Are Smiling

shiny happy people
Originally uploaded by Beatrice Petty.

So, picture last night. Here Beatrice was, hanging out with her new found Irishman, sitting on the couch in ye olde loft... chatting about this that and the other thing...

...The romance dimmed slightly due to the faint note of cat piss wafting through the air, courtesy of the roomie's cat taking revenge on her for leaving him outside on the patio all day... Yes little one, revenge is sweet, but next time, please direct it towards the correct person, and not all over MY bed...

Anyway, back to the couch. The air was electric. Just a simple touch on the arm by him was enough to make my skin dance.

Annd Thennnnn ** said in the voice of the Chinese take-out lady from "Dude Where's My Car"**

Um... ya... he's 25. Of course, there had to be something. I do take comfort in knowing that HE at least knew last night that I was a few years older than him... He thought 28 or 29... Close, I suppose. You could have knocked me down with a feather when he told me how old he was. In fact, I choked on my wine when he said it. Of course, that topic had been completely neglected the previous evening as we had been a little bit too preoccupied with other matters... kissing is fun... but my perception of him was that he was at least as old as me, if not older. He looks older at any rate. But after much discussion, I came to the conclusion that if he didn't give a hoot, than neither should I.

I'm not going to go into the gory details of the evening except to say that should you happen upon me somtime next week and I am wearing a turtleneck... know that this time it IS NOT due to the fact that I have a penchant for said articles of clothing... Necessity is a cruel bitch! **

So, the end story is that Bea the cradle robber and her wee Irish lad are going to see where things take us. I've been invited out tonight with him and some friends who are visiting... but I shall pass. Two nights of little/ no sleep are enough to do in even the most hearty of night owls, of which Bea is not, even in the best of circumstances.

I'm off now to buy some new bed linens...


Addendum: March 21st... Just to clarify, so that y'all don't think I'm the biggest cougar who ever cougared... No nookie was had on Friday... Bea was a good girl. No promises for the next time however ;)


When the Universe Throws You Lemons...

lemonade stand
Originally uploaded by Beatrice Petty.
Super short for now folks... sorry, but I've got some pressing matters to bring to y'all.

First off... Merrill has been kicked to the curb. Actually, let me re-phrase that... Merrill actually never got back to me and I therefore never physically got to kick him to the curb because he was not standing remotely close to the curb at all! What's up with a guy who writes and says "really want to see you again, let's get together this weekend" and then never calls to see you or to get together this weekend? How bizarre. His loss. Besides, Bea's got something better than some unemployed guy whose first name rhymes with his last name.

So, Um... right. Yesterday was St. Paddy's Day. Sorry, no blog, but I was actually busy at work... doing work.

Not wanting to be the only person I knew not going out, I managed to convince a friend at work to come out for a few beers. So that was the plan-- head to Fionn MacCools right after work for some drinks... Then I could at least say that I went out on St. Paddy's, home by 9pm... thank you, come again.

Like I said at the beginning, I'm keeping this short. The end result of my night was that I got home just before 2am... after a 2 hour make-out session with this adorable Irish (It's true... only Bea would actually pick up an Irish bloke on St. Paddy's Day!) in the most romantic of all places on earth... The Subway. I know, I know... Yikes!

Anyway, more on this late-breaking story shortly, as I will be seeing him tonight. Yes, I know, very hard to believe... That is actually possible for a guy to want to see me two days in a row... Shocking!

And so, I leave you all with a quote from an email I received today from said Irish cutie:

"Looking forward to it already, need to make sure that you're real and
not some weird dream I had :)"



For lack of something more exciting to write...

I thought I would respond to the roomie's request that others take the time to fill out the little survey that she posted today.

What colour is your underwear right now: Black... Bea's a sexy beast

Favourite noise: That THX sound at the beginning of movies... gives me chills... equivalent

Celebrity boyfriend(s): Where do I start??? Orlando, Clive Owen, Gerrard Butler... ** insert British actor here **

Most embarrassing hobby: Philately... that's stamp collecting for you plebians

Favourite holiday: A toss up between "Everything YOU think is wrong" Day and Christmas. I guess Christmas because of the presents

Do you believe in God: The jury is still out

If so, do you think God likes you: This is the sound of Beatrice laughing... whatever it is that's out there is using me as their playing in piece in a giant Game of Life

Least favourite time of work day: between 2-4

Favourite "disgusting" food: Melted cheese-- acres and acres of melted cheese

Where you most feel at home (other than your house): on a sailboat

Proof you've embraced technology: Technoli-what???

Favourite bathroom literature: Beatrice likes to do puzzles... you got a problem with that!

Least favourite male part: Hairy bum cheeks

Favourite part of your body: eyes

Proof you've abused technology: One word... Lavalife

Riskiest hobby: Philately... seriously... always the rsik of a paper cut, or getting poisoned from the gum on the back of stamps

Least favourite household chore: My roomie could tell you this one... Dishes, always dishes

What you would be doing if you were smarter, funnier and more beautiful: Wha??? Not possible... but if I HAVE to answer, I suppose I would be an international jewel thief

Celebrity you think is the devil: Richard Gere... Don't get me started

What this summer holds for you: What the roomie said plus... many exciting visits from Mmmm Mmmm Good Johnny, our neighbourhood ice cream man

Worst thing you've done at work: Drinking beer in the boardroom... Gotta love Fridays!

Would you ever go on a reality show: Yes. But only if I can be the female version of Joe Millionaire. I'm DESPERATE to have someone "fall in love" with me only because they think I have millions of dollars. That's true love! Also, I would get to wear lots of sweaters. Stay tuned for Beatrice Millionaire... coming soon to a public access channel in your area

Best way to waste an hour: Trying to get anywhere on the TTC

And my addition to this questionnaire:

Weirdest fear: Raccoons... pure evil

That's it for now... Peace out,


The Swinging of the Pendulum

Please note: This picture has nothing to do whatsoever with the subject matter of this posting. I just thought the ladies might appreciate some good old fashioned nakedness. I know Bea does!

So, yesterday, I received a memo:

To: Beatrice

- Don't be so hasty


I swear to god... I actually did get this. It'll make sense in a moment, but let me take you back in time, if I may...

Many months ago, when I first started my adventures in Lavaland, I really didn't get it. Never having dated, it never occurred to me that someone who I liked would not like me in return. I assumed that because I had had a great night out, that the other person must also have had a great night out. I assumed also that if I was interested in seeing someone again then it logically followed that they would also want to see me again.

And so, I became one of those annoying girls... not a bunny boiler mind you... but just one of those girls who misinterpreted any lack of communication to mean: he was just busy, maybe he lost my number, maybe he didn't know I was interested, maybe he's shy, maybe he needs me to make the first move... all of the above. In some cases, it took me longer to get the hint than in others... Then the PNB came along and was at first very communicative... how lovely. Unfortunately, it didn't last very long and while we continued to see each other for the next couple of months, I continued to make up excuses as to why he wasn't calling more often or wanting to see me all the time: he's been single for so long, he's very independent, he sprouts horns out of his head every second day, blah blah blah.

So, to make a looong story short... I vowed that I stop making excuses for boys... They knew how to get a hold of me... If they were into me, they would call (Thanks "He's Just Not Into You"). End of story.

Cut to Merrill... As detailed in Saturday's blog... GREAT date... this guy was so interesting, funny, adorable etc... It was inconceivable that he wasn't going to call. But he didn't and I was mildly pissed. It left me wondering just what guys are looking for in a first date... 6 hours of non-stop talking, laughing and so much in common, I mean... Honestly... I AM ONLY HUMAN PEOPLE... albeit a completely adorable one... But alas... nothing... sigh... And despite several people making excuses for him; maybe he was busy, maybe he went out of town, maybe he fell off the face of the earth, maybe he's playing it cool for the next couple of days... Beatrice was unrelenting in her "Thank you for your support, but he's just not that into me if he hasn't called" attitude... And she was quite happy to be right for once, thank you very much.

Of course, after last night, my head is hung somewhat in shame. After doing my much loved impression on David Brent's "Next"... Merrill wrote me an email. He had gone out of town this weekend to visit his parents. He also had a great time on our date and he too was excited to meet up again...

And that's when I received the memo from the roomie... Beatrice, stop being so hasty! In my haste to come to some understanding about what guys are all about, I allowed the pendulum the swing in the opposite direction... I am such a freak! Some good advice indeed!!!

Bea Out!


Flight Whores???

You know you are blogging too much when you begin to think about blogging in your dreams. It's one thing to put yourself in situations in a waking state... situations you know will provide good material to write about... Lavalife is just such an example. But when you dream about odd situations... and then think to yourself... "This is going to make a great blog"... Should I be scared?

Anway, last night just such an event occured. I dreamed that I was taking a shortcut back to work via a railroad track. A train came and I was forced to stand aside on an embankment... which I promptly fell off of.... Bea is SO clumsly... Luckily, a little ways down, there was a ladder that I used to climb back up. It led to this little store, where this cute little asian lady informed me that they were just about begin filming a pornographic film in the back room... called "Flight Whores"... apparently it was about flight attendants...

What flight attendants had to do with little asian women in shops is beyond me... But I never promised that the dream was going to make any sense...

Anyway, I bought some gum and wished her luck on her little film and walked back to work, all the while thinking that I couldn't wait to blog about what had just happened.

My first thought when I woke up this morning was that something cool had ACTUALLY happened this weekend that I could write about... and then the coffee kicked in and I was like "Riiiiiiiight... Nice one Beatrice..."

So, in lieu of anything ACTUALLY having anything interesting to blog about... I thought I would blog about the dream I had about blogging...

And I know you are all dying to know.... No, there is no porn movie called "Flight Whores"... None that I could find at any rate... Such a shame... it looked like such a great movie!



Too Good to be True?

As I sit here on this snowy Saturday morning going over the events from last night, I am left to wonder how it can be possible for two people to have SOOOOOOOOOO much in common. Last night was the first time I met Merrill. His last name rhymes with his first name leading me to believe that his parents either hated him when he was born or smoked copious amounts of the good stuff... Anyway, I'll leave it up to your imaginations' to think of a last name, beginning with N that rhymes with Merrill. Poor guy.

Back to last night. We sat, drank beer and laughed in this charming Irish pub for over 6 hours. Never once was there a lull in the conversation, which was so multi-directional... a feat only possible when two people have that much in common. For people who know me... well or otherwise, you are aware that I tend to have some pretty random likes and dislikes... I am a Harry Potter freak. I'm the only one I know who loves Monty Python and other such crazy British nonsense. I'm a History fanatic, pick a time period, any time period. I'm an Astronomy geek. I like going to movies... I've always been more interested in what bark was made out of... Do I know what day it is? No... Do I know what I am doing here? No, but I'm here and I'm going to give it my all...

Sorry... off on a little bit of a tangent there... What I am trying to say is that Merrill is kind of like the male version of me... although the light was low, I think he even had freckles. But as much fun as I had... and as awesome a guy that I think he is, I am scared that we are too much alike... I am a wee bit worried that I am confusing romantic interest with my strong desire to make some new friends in this city. Conversely, I suppose that the best couples are also each other's best friends... something to think about at any rate.

There was something there... for me at least... although we didn't get a chance to smooch due to the rather abrupt and decidedly unwelcome appearance of the Queen St. streetcar... but I am absolutely open to seeing where things could go. Of course at this point, any speculation is neither here nor there. The ball is in his court now. At any rate, regardless of what happens in the future, or if I never hear from him again...

Let me leave you with the the wise words of Comic Book Guy... "Best Date Ever!"

Yay Bea!


There's something in the water in Toronto

Originally uploaded by Beatrice Petty.
What is going on with guys in Toronto? As I am writing this entry, I am in the midst of having an msn chat with a former PNB (Vince... small head, allergic to cats). He kind of disappeared for a while and just recently resurfaced back into my life... Oddly enough on the day that I deleted him as a contact... Anyway, having completely ignored me for a month as he was seeing someone (don't worry, no tears were shed by Beatrice), he's decided to pick up where we last left off... and that was discussing the idea of CSBF.

We never did get to that point, partly because he disappeared off my radar and partly because I wasn't really into him. I'm still not, and despite all his hinting and me plainly stating that I'm not interested... he's not really getting it.

And it's not just me. I won't mention any names so as to protect their anonymity, but no less than 2 other single gals I know in the big city have been "propositioned" over the last couple of days. It's just so bizarre. What is going on with guys? Was there a big convention this weekend where they all got together and decided to gang up on us single gals?

And it's not just a question of "Hey, do you wanna bump uglies? No? Alright, just thought I'd ask. Have a great life."

Nope, these guys are PERSISTENT. "No", it would seem, no longer means "No", it means try harder. It means "maybe if I try and try and try and try and try she'll just give up and relent and then I shall get laid mwahahahahahaha".

So, what's a girl to do? It's not as if we aren't in our sexual primes... a good shagging never hurt anyone... And we should be flattered I suppose. OK, so these guys don't want to date us, but hey, neither do we want to date them... we are all consenting adults... so what's the big deal? Why am I not into it?

I guess it comes down to expectations... Right now, I'm all about having none. Take my date tomorrow for example... Nice guy. I'm looking forward to meeting up... but no expectations... no thoughts of "yay, a new PNB..." which is where my head space should have always been since starting Lava... live and learn.

And so back to the "csbf" concept... It's not that I'm wouldn't be into it... I think I'm just in a place right now where I don't want to meet someone knowing that it's inevitable... Although Vince's detailed description of our "Spa Day" does sound rather tempting... It involves massaging, hot oils, naked showering and other things of this nature... a highly appropriate conversation for two people in the middle of a work day don't you think. Stay tuned for the continuing saga of "Spa Day at Vince's Place".



Happy Panic Day!

Today Bea is totally unispired. Besides kicking one of my two new boys to the curb because he seemed more interested in hanging out with a girl he dated from a while back than in meeting me (see entries #4 and #8)... I had a thoroughly uneventful evening. The roomie suggested that my blog should be about me brainstorming about what my blog should be about.... very postmodern (ist? istic) or something like that. She's smarter than me, as you can tell. I used to just nod my head when someone commented that something was "post-modern"... Of course agreeing with them...

"Oh yes, most definitely... couldn't agree more... now pass me another hors'doerve dawwwwwling".

If anyone had actually asked me to define PoMo... I wouldn't have had a clue. Fortunately, I have my doubts as to whether these people really knew either. It's one of those concepts that everyone has an opinion about, but only 1 out of 100 people actually know what it means. Thanks to a discussion from a while back that I had with the roomie who patiently explained the theory to me... I can now respond to these comments a little more knowledgeably...

"Are you serious? What the hell are you talking about? Do you even KNOW what it means?"

Anyway, I still couldn't go into all the gory details, but at least now I know that PoMo isn't referring to the invention of the lightbulb.

So, back to Panic Day. Today is the day when we are supposed to run around with our arms up in the air shouting "I can't take it anymore!!!" or so they say. I personally, had never heard of Panic Day until about half an hour ago, so I decided to do some research. The result? There's nothing much to Panic Day... But I did find some other even more completely useless holidays, some of which I will list for you now:

March 1 — Pig Day: good to know
March 1 — Peanut Butter Lover's Day: In other words, my anti-holiday
March 1 — International Day of the Seal: arf arf
March 3 — I Want You To Be Happy Day: No, I want YOU to be happy
March 3 — What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day: Something that has been on my mind for quite some time.
March 5 — Stop the Clocks Day: As far as I am concerned, this happens everyday when I am at work. It's happening now.
March 6 — National Frozen Food Day: Come to think of it, I did have a hangering for a Hungryman dinner the other day...
March 6 — Learn What Your Name Means Day: Beatrice means happy... Cool!
March 7 — Name Tag Day: Damn, I KNEW I was forgetting something last Monday!
March 8 — Be Nasty Day: I've made a mental note if this date for use in the future... beware.
March 8 — Middle Name Pride Day: Actually, Beatrice doesn't have a middle name... Open to suggestions though.
March 9 — Panic Day: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
March 13 — Open an Umbrella Indoors Day: I can't wait!
March 14 — National Potato Chip Day: See March 23rd.
March 15 — Everything You Think Is Wrong Day: aka everyday in Bea's world
March 16 — Everything You Do Is Right Day: OK, I will allow you people this one day... but ONE day only.
March 17 — Submarine Day: I don't get why this day falls on the same day as St. Paddy's day... any ideas???
March 19 — Poultry Day: "I feel like chicken tonight, like chicken toniiight"
March 20 — Rotten Sneaker Day: FINALLY, a holiday that I can relate to...Um... yeah... Bea has the stinkiest feet on the planet... ask the roomie...
March 22 — National Goof-Off Day: aka EVERYday
March 23 — National Chip and Dip Day: Too many "chip days" in March... getting a little greedy in my opinion.
March 23 — International Day of the Seal: TWO International Days of the Seal (See March 1st)... to be honest, I just don't think seals are all that special.
March 24 — National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day: I hate raisins... I won't be celebrating.
March 26 — Make Up Your Own Holiday Day: Here's one... Buy Bea a Present Day!!!
March 28 — Something On a Stick Day: Oh... My... God... I could just run with this... but I won't... OK maybe just one... The girl from Instant Star... her head on a stick... that was for the roomie.
March 30 — I Am In Control Day: I'm good enough, I'm smart enough... and gosh darnit...
March 31 — Bunsen Burner Day: How random
March 31 — National Clams on the Half-Shell Day: Oddly enough,there is no National Clam Day... There is a Clam Chowder Day, Fried Clam Day... Sorry clams, you just don't make the cut.
March 31 — Tater Day: Atkins Dieters, you may not even want to leave the house today.

So there you have it. My decidedly unispired posting for today. God help us all if this continues...



My latest date

This is Nick. We went out last night. From Nick I learned that it is possible for me to NOT be attracted to every guy with an english accent. I also learned that baby duck yellow cable knit sweaters worn with brown corderouy pants is not a good look for anyone! Thankfully I was spared the task of having to let him down easily for this morning, I received an email from this mildly developmentally delayed gentleman thanking me for the lovely evening, but unfortunately he was going to have to leave it at that because HE felt no spark. You think?

And in case I needed more proof that The Universe reads my blog on a daily basis...

In addition to introducing me to perhaps the most unattractive englishman on the planet (Mr. Bean would have been a godsend)... another boy informed me yesterday that he got laid off from his job. At least he's tall and doesn't live at home with his Mom. Thank goodness I've once again removed myself from the Lavacrack, thus preventing any contact from my 5'2" dog catcher.

Who said The Universe doesn't have a sense of humour?

Bea Out


A Sliding Scale...

points system
Originally uploaded by Beatrice Petty.
For boys.

With yesterday's list of unsuccessful potential new relationships still fresh on my mind, I have now begun to think about what I am really and truly looking for in a partner. Sadly, this I still do not know, but with a few more names soon to be added to the list by the end of the week-- be they good or bad-- I have started to evaluate what might initially attract me to certain people in the first place.

With that in mind, I present to you Bea's Sliding Scale for Men. Of course it's all in fun. I'd like to think that I am slightly less persnickety in reality... perhaps not. Here it goes, in no particular order, with each entry a score out of ten-- 10 being "oh my god, I have NO CHOICE but to go out with this guy and 1 being "all thngs being equal, I'd rather stay home and clean the kitty litter":

1) Being British - 10. I know...I am crazy, but I've said it before and I'll say it again... slap an English accent on pretty much anybody, and I'm all over it.

2) Being Tall - 7-8. You'll have to have at least one other quality that I find attractive but being tall is a pretty good start. Sadly, being under say... 5'7"... you are going to go out of your way to impress me. I'm a horrible person.

3) Sense of humour - 10. I like to laugh, but it isn't all that easy to make me do so. There are only a few people in my life that can make me laugh on any given day. If you can engage me in a phone conversation that has me rolling around in hysterics... you might was well call the chapel right now!

4) A "Take Charge" attitude - 8. If you are dying to meet me... and you make that obvious... I'm impressed. even if I was hesitant to meet you at first. It's nice to feel wanted.

5) Being Educated - 6. I prefer a guy who has more education than me. In my experience, men who have just high school under their belt tend not to hold my interest in a conversation as well. And while there have been a few exceptions... my friend Doug, for example... I have found that a majority of fellas who haven't gone on to pursue higher education tend to be more closed minded and are just not as into the exploration of the mind as I would like. Of course, it doesn't necessarily follow that having a good education makes you more intelligent either... That's why it gets a 6. If you like Jeopardy... all the better. And yes, I find Ken Jennings very attractive!

6) Being passionate about something - 8. I'm not picky about what you are passionate about... except maybe if your passion is an severe and illogical case of homophobia... I just want you to have something. A 10 goes to the guy who is keen to introduce them to me.

7) Being interested about ME - 7. I don't expect everything to be all about me when I first meet someone... but it is really cool when a guy is just so excited to find out what makes me tick. As this is a journey that I myself am traveling on right now... anything that will cause me to examine this is always great. So while it isn't the all deciding factor when decided whether to meet someone... if it ends up happening... Kudos to the guy!

8) Physical Appearance - 7. Of course, physical appearance is very subjective so this is a very difficult one to judge. Quite frequently I've been not impressed with the way a guy looks upon first appearance but upon closer examination, his other great qualities come shining through. Other times, someone reminds me of someone famous that I fnd attactive. It's all very random. For example, I smiled at Jeff because the picture he had up reminded me of Mr. Big from Sex and the City. Of course, he looked absolutely nothing like that in person... but he other qualities that were attractive... see entrys #2, #3 and #5. Of course, I have been smiled at by some very attractive men only to read more about them and discover that their entire lives are devoted to attaining a level of physical perfection that would make Brad Pitt jealous. It's all about balance.

9) Being Successful - 1 or 10. Another hard one to answer. Not being at the pinnacle of financial and professional success (not yet anyway) myself, it seems rather unfair that this is a quality that I use to judge a potential partner. A part of me feels AWFUL that I do. Please let me qualify this, if I may. I would not describe myself as a materialistic person. I don't strive to make money so that I can buy my clothes in expensive stores, or purchase the most stylish car on the road... and I am not looking for that in someone else either. Success is more than just money... being happy in your job, regardless of what you pull down a year, is wonderful and very appealing. All things being equal, financial success is last thing I look at, but I do have a bottom line. I am not super impressed by a 40 year old guy who lives at home with his mother... Don't get me wrong... I don't expect you to own your own place, or even to not have a roomate... Altruistic as it may be... I just think there is something odd about a grown man living with his parents. A car isn't necessary... I don't have one so I don't expect you to either. And I don't expect you to spend your money on me like it's going out of style... that just makes me uncomfortable... I guess what I am trying to say is that on the right guy success can be very, very sexy!

10) The common interests we share - 5. Of course it's important, but I don't expect us to have every little thing in common. I am the person I am today because of the diversity if interests among my friends. That being said, there are a few things that I view to be fairly crucial in the realm of similarities. You don't have to own a cat... but you must be a cat person. A dog person is OK too, as long as there is also room for loving animals of the feline persuasion. I believe that there are fundamental differences between dog people and cat people... and I have met many a dog person who loathes cats... Why? I have no idea, but I could not possibly enter into any serious coupling with a person who thinks that my cat is the spawn of Satan. Of course I am allowed to think that way, but your are not! I think you get the picture. Of course, I am open to being introduced to new interests... within reason of course. Please see entry #6 re: homophobia.

So there you have it... reading back what I wrote, it would seem that my perfect mate is a Hugh Grant/Steven Hawking/Jim Carrey/Richard Branson hybrid... Am I being too picky? Of course, you do understand that having written this, the Universe is going to throw me the complete opposite: a 5'2" high school drop out who lives in his Mom's basement and makes his living as a dog catcher. But true love is true love and if this is the bone the Universe throws at me... I say bring it on!



To all the boys I've...


Another date; another dud. This weekend I have found myself wondering why I am even bothering anymore. I've been livin' la vida Lava since October of last year... 5 months minus about 2-ish while I was seeing Jeff, so 3 months in total. I suppose the time has come for me to step back and reflect on where those months have taken me. Have I learned anything? If yes, then what? And from who? Hmmm... let's investigate shall we?

Shane, Graham, Chris 1, Andre, Simon, Mike, Dave, Rob, Jeff, Chris 2, Lawrence, Vince, Ash, Garrett, Tim, Paul, Jody. Am I forgetting anyone? When I see it here, the list looks rather small, but when I think that there are probably more boys here then I had ever dated in my life up until October... Yikes. No wonder I was so exhausted!!!

Shane: Was my very first lava date. We had great msn chemistry, but not so good in person despite his sexually adventurous nature. Not a lot learned from a relationship point of view, but man, I know more about the swinging, orgy and gay scenes in Toronto than I ever thought possible.

Graham: I really liked Graham. He's from England and he has a PhD. He was also adorable. Too bad he was in love with his ex-girlfriend.

Chris 1: Nice guy, but short... very, very short. But very nice.

Andre: I had really low expectations before I met up with Andre. However, we met up on Friday night, and I didn't come home until Sunday. From Andre, I learned that Amarula is the bomb.

Simon: a divorced police officer recently imported from England. Simon filled me in on his $30,000 honeymoon in St. Lucia. I learned that I would like to have someone take me on a $30,000 honeymoon.

Mike: I learned from Mike that not all guys are gentlemen. No I do not want to have a naked hotub with you and three of your friends.

Dave: Funny, funny guy. I never heard from him again.

Rob: AKA the "I literally guy". Actually, I learned quite a bit from Rob even though we only went out once. I learned how important it is to have a good grasp of the english language and that if you are going to talk a lot, then you should probably have something remotely interesting to say.

Jeff: Hmmm. If you are an avid Beatrice reader, then you already know all about Jeff and that I learned a lot about relationships and life from my experience with him. Most of it should have been common sense, but hey, no one ever accused Bea of being overly endowed with that... more of a book sense kind of gal. Oh, and I also learned that when someone breaks up with you and then plays the CSBF card, they really have no respect for you at all. Run Away!!!

Chris 2: Nice guy; no chemistry. He reminded me of my brother. No lessons learned.

Lawrence: I learned from Lawrence that it is possible to be completely and utterly repulsed by both someone's personality and their physical appearance. Enough said.

Vince: Again, a nice guy; no chemistry. However, I met up with Vince "literally" 2 days after Jeff and I had our final chat. I learned that you cannot really give someone a fair shot at love when you still have issues with someone else.

Ash: The stalker. I think he's out of the country by now. I learned that you should never, ever give out your e-mail to some guy you meet while waiting for the bus.

Garrett: Although things did not end the way I would have liked with Garrett, I have nothing but positive things that say about this guy. From Garrett, I learned that it is possible for a guy who is interested to actually show interest AND that I deserve a guy who is willing to go out of his way to do so. Of course, I also learned that The Universe has a sick and twisted sense of humour and saw fit to introduce me to this guy while he was pining over the loss of his Ex. Thanks again Universe!

Tim: Tim reinforced my belief that e-mailing/msning back and forth over a lengthy period of time before you meet in person is a recipe for disaster. I've also learned that the next time a guy asks to take me to the 360 restaurant on a first date that you can bet your ass I am going to take him up on his offer!!!

Paul: Nice guy but again, no chemistry. And not that I ever did this, but I was reminded how annoying it is to hear about past relationships. It's one thing if the conversation is about past loves, but if it's about this, that, or the other thing and still every experience relates back to an Ex... Let's just say it really doesn't make one hopeful that there will ever be a time when this will change. I guess I could have been comforted by the fact that one of his exes shares my name... so, in the bedroom, he had a 50-50 chance of getting it right... Good Times!

Jody: Most boring date ever. He's an actor and as the roomie put it... actors are actors because they need to have someone else put words and emotions in their mouths. That summed the whole thing up beautifully.

Oh, and if you are wondering whether or not any of the above mentioned boys made it into my "catalogue"??? I suppose Jeff is, although he can hardly compete with the likes of Mr. D'Arcy or Legolas. I can't believe I just said that.

Happy Sunday!


Onwards and Upwards...


It's Friday and as of right now, the weekend is promising to be a quiet one for Beatrice. I am keen to check out the British Isles Show at the Ex this weekend... a good idea since everyone I know will be away... not that they would have gone with me. What was it the roomie said???

"Nothing you could say or do would entice me to go to that..."

To each his or her own I suppose. Her loss...Sigh... I must accept that I am the lone Anglophile amongst my circle of friends. I am anticipating many men in kilts though. Men in kilts... Bea is going to have some sweet dreams tonight.

And speaking of men, I had my date with Paul last night. You remember him. The banker... right. Ok, so when someone tells me they are a banker, I immediately envision someone like my friend Timmy... someone with the responsibility of deciding who will or will not be given large sums of money; someone who wheels and deals with big important corporate clients. Conversely, someone who works in a branch of a bank does not have these same responsibilities. Furthermore, a "banker" who has just quit said job at the bank to become a bartender/waiter is really not a banker at all. And what of a banker turned bartender/waiter who plans on going to school in September to be either a high school teacher (no subjects decided as of yet) OR a radio broadcaster? Well, your guess is as good as mine. Throw into the mix that he cannot stop relating everything in his life to the miriad of ex-girlfriends he has...

That being said, he was a very nice guy, but not the right guy for Beatrice. You win some and you lose some... this however, was a game that got cancelled due to inclement weather, thus never getting played in the first place.

As David Brent would say... "Next"



Rest In Peace Bubba


This is Bubba. He was born in 1905. He lived through 2 World Wars, the Depression, the Cold War and Disco. He died yesterday en route to a museum where he could be gawked for the remainder of his days. He died from shock. Poor little guy.

I really wonder what kind of life he led, under the sea for all those years. Did he have an active love life? Did he have friends? Was life under the sea like it was in the Little Mermaid? Maybe he was like The Godfather... He was about as large as Marlon Brando after all. Ok, all kidding aside, what kind of an existence can a lobster lead at the bottom of the ocean for 100 years?

All I can say is that I hoped he led a good and honest life (I've heard that lobsters can be quite sketchy characters) so that he can come back as a slightly higher and more intelligent life form... like George Bush. Sorry Bubba, I didn't mean to insult.



the umbrellas

Isn't this a wonderful picture? While I found the Art Gallery of Ontario to be somewhat disappointing ( no, it had nothing to do with what happened afterwards... it was just boring), I did fall in love with the art of Christo and Jeanne-Claude which is being showcased there on a temporary basis. A nice splash of colour in an otherwise very monochrome day here in Toronto I think.

What's new with Beatrice? Um... not a whole lot actually. A few boys in the works, but nothing really to write home about. I think I'm going out tomorrow so I know you'll all be tuning in to see what Paul is all about. He's a banker... Super! Not that I have anything against bankers per say.. although I did just have some craziness occur over the ordering of cheques, but I'm not going to lay out any sweeping judgements about bankers... Not yet anyway.

So, in a conversation with the Roomie last night about the randomness of life vs. there being a reason for everything... I know, we tend to have some fairly deep conversations in ye old super loft... That is, until our cats start going at it and we break away from our deep thoughts to egg the two cats on in a sort of modern-day cock fight... my poor baby, god bless her, she has terrible paw-eye coordination and gets her butt kicked everytime... Anyway, back to the convo about life. Let me tell you a little story that has me pondering this topic if I may...

Last week, I was on my way home on the 168 Symington (speaking of random... no logic behind that shedule, none at all) when I happened to be sitting across from an elderly Chinese gentleman. DON'T ask me HOW I know this, but he was VERY, VERY well endowed, which led me to pay him more notice than I otherwise would have. I am sorry to admit that, but it's true. So that was that incident. I saw him again on the weekend on the way down to the AGO, but on the street car this time. I remarked to myself that it was so odd that he had popped up once again, even phoned the roomie to fill her in. And then again last night, he was on the bus. It got me thinking as to why this man seems to have all of a sudden made this appearance in my life. Why now and never before last week... Why have I seen him 3 times already? But more importantly, what does he represent to me and my life? Or IS it completely random? I don't know, but I am working on it. Should I follow him home? Take him out for dinner? I guess only time will tell.

Later Skaters,