Apparently I am Stupid

I am old-ish. Been on this planet for more than a few years. I can't remember the exact date that I was taught/ learned how to use a calendar but it was some time ago... at the very least, I have known for a very, very, very long time that Christmas falls on December 25th which, when you are little, is pretty much the most important day of the year... and so what if I got some totally useless Barbie when I was 7, when what I asked for and really, really, really wanted was a Western Stamping Barbie... stupid parents... It shouldn't have been an issue, she was the ONLY Barbie wearing a freaking cowgirl outfit and who had stamps on her feet!!! Anyway, I got over it... what was I talking about?

Right, dates... calendar dates that is. So for some reason, the onset of Spring being the most likely explanation, the old girl has more dating possibilities than she knows what to do with these days. This would be great if I actually felt like dating, but right now I just want to meet some peeps to hang out with and not meet any PNBs... and some of the who started off as being totally cool with this are now turning out to be interested in a bit more than that... Sod's Law of course, but that's not for here.

One of them I am meeting up with tonight and it was PERFECT... head to the pub after work to watch the Final Four, a few pints... totally chilled. As with Neville Train Conductor who, as it turns out does not need a watch to keep the trains running on time... it wasn't about being with one person over another, it was about just having company to watch the game. I would watch it with a monkey if that monkey happened to be into March Madness.

To make a long story short... I found out this morning that the game is actually tomorrow. So NOW tonight will be more like a date than anything else dag nabbit. Note to self... double check the date when committing to anything. Stupid, stupid Bea.


Need a Bath

So, here's another question to throw out at any male who might happen to stumble across this little slice of heaven I call Beatrice Petty... In particular, those who may be familiar with the world of online dating and playing the "let's chat incessantly over msn for weeks on end and never actually meet" game.

When chatting to a girl, does asking her what she is wearing and what her measurements are two sentences into the very first msn conversation EVER work? I'm just curious, because, like... ew.


And Now For Something Completely Different

Just so y'all don't think that I have turned into some crazy basketball fiend... Let us switch channels shall we? And I do meant that literally...

Of course, not really dating much these days leaves me loads of time for something much more rewarding... TV. You know, I used to be kind of ashamed to admit that I loved watching TV. It is kind of one of those things that I think most people secretly do enjoy, but god forbid you should admit it to those around you lest people think you are a couch potato or whatever other negative connotation comes with being an avid TV watcher. Don't get me wrong, I don't watch any and every show out there and it's usually just on as background noise. In fact, I can count on one hand the shows that I watch faithfully: House, America's Next Top Model (go ahead and laugh... I freaking love that show), American Idol, Simpsons if I can, Family Guy I have seen all of... jeez, what else. The rest I pretty much usually catch by accident. The other good shows I wait for on DVD and watch commercial-free.

More often than not, I tune in to the History Channel and see what's on... and somehow I always manage to come to shows that count down things... things such as the world's top 10 fighter jets, or tanks, or bombers... why feel compelled to know what the worlds best amphibious attack vehicle is is beyond me, but I never once claimed that I was not the world's biggest geek... Another favorite is the one about the worst jobs in history... again, geek... but there you have it.

Anyway, got off on a bit of a tangent there, as the whole point of my posting today was supposed to be about American Idol and not the world's best excavator...

So, Idol, right. Am I the only one finding this year kind of ho-hum? True, there is some pretty good talent AND they don't all sound like Justin Timberlake/ Brittany wannabees this year, but I still get the "didn't I see this exact same thing last year? The year before? The year before that?" I guess I keep tuning in because Simon is particularly nasty this year and he has been fun to watch. And it's always a gas to try and guess just what substance Paula is on... playing drinking games with Randy-- you drink whenever he says "Dawg", "Dog Pound", "Yo" "Yo Dawg" (take two drinks when he says this), "What's up?", "You really brought it", "Man" and "You know what? I really like you." Now that I think about it, that's pretty much the only reason for tuning in...


Let Down by Porn...

Porno that is.

So the Zags totally defeated... which totally sucked. Sucked so much that I threw my hands up in disgust and cried aloud in my loft "Damn You, Damn you to HELL March Madness... and your little dog too!!!" Or something like that. Anyway, thoroughly disgusted with the horrifying turn of events that I had seen unfold before mine virgin eyes, and left only with Florida of all teams making it to the championship game, I vowed then and there to throw in the towel and never again subject myself to dizzying highs and the depressingly low lows that is NCAA basketball- ever.

Ah, but you see, that's where I was wrong. It's Florida. Florida is and always was the key to my goal of world domination... my ace in the whole as it were. Little Florida, who for shits and giggles I had going to the final 2 only to lose against Gonzaga, decided to turn the tables on us all. Me most of all for, due to circumstances that only the Universe can understand, I went from thinking that I was out to being close to winning it all baby. Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

It comes down to this: April Fool's Day. How very apropos. It's Florida against some uber low-ranked team who got this far for reasons that nobody can figure out. I think it has something do to with the full moon, a pentacle, naked people, and orgy and a whole lot of chanting, but we are not here to discuss the possible rampant use of sorcery and witchcraft in college basketball... It all comes down to one semi-final game and me and one other person. If Florida wins... I take it all baby!!! If Florida does not win well... a) I will launch a protest for the winning team's use of trickery in the tournament. I might possibly try and claim that their players are not really human at all, but zombies because man, zombies just go like stink and it would explain pretty much everything... anyway, haven't decided that yet... and b) I'll probably just kind of get over it pretty quickly and say to myself over and over again that I really didn't need new summer shoes anyway... but mostly just get over it.

Go Gators Go


Go Gozags!


After three very long days, March Madness is about to kick off again for the weekend. Do I actually give a hoot about basketball-- college or pro-- at any other time of the year? No. Did I pretend that I liked watching the Raptors a while back in order to impress the former PNB? Um... yes... sigh... the things we do for love. But the NCAA College Basketball Championships? A whole other ball game... pun intended! I, am like SO within striking distance of like, totally winning our office pool. Like totally. Just kidding, but I am holding my own.

Everyone, meet Adam Morrison aka Porno.

He is the star player on the team that I have taking it all. Why did I pick Gonzaga-- the only one in my pool to have picked a 3rd-ranked team, let alone the 'Zags? I should think that would be obvious. The name just rolls off the tongue don't it? It's so much fun to say. Gonzaga. C'mon, say it with me:





Now say again, but this time in a Dart Vader voice... Gonzaaaaaaaaaaga.

See? It's super fun.

The other great thing about the Gozags is Porno. I kid you not (sadly the picture just doesn't do him justice), this guy looks like he is straight out of a 1970's skin flick, with his crazy 'stache and floppy hair. I feel dirty just watching him play. At any moment I anticipate the familiar bow-chickie--bow-bow porn melody to burst forth from the TV. It hasn't happened... not yet... but when it does...

bow-chickie-bow-bow... chickie-bow-bow

Go Gonzaga!!!

Bea "I've got the MADNESS!!!" Petty


Need Input

OK... Neville Train Conductor... wrote back... responded to e-mail re: watch... reply... follows... no idea what means...

Subject line: Forgetting items to come back...

Thought I lost watch...thanks for heads up..Thursday or Friday might work for me to swing tournament is on those days.....see if any of those days work for you.... P.S.....On day by day

So, my question to everyone is... WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SUPPOSED TO MEAN? In particular, those who can speak man-speak might be pretty helpful in this case.

Does the reference to the "tournament" (March Madness) imply that he wants to do more than stop by quickly and pick up his watch? And what of his subject line? I am sure it's a bit of a joke, after all he does have some semblance of a sense of humour, but is it possible that he is trying to say that he left "forgot" his "items" so that he would have "to come back?"

Yeah, I know... entirely too much time spent trying to figure out what this means... welcome to the Wonderful World of Neville Train Conductor. This is kind of what it has been like since the beginning. It is kind of like the Wonderful World of Disney, but without the seven dwarves.

Help. Anyone.

Bea "don't speak man-tongue" Petty


Adding a Bit of Zing to my Day!

As you may or may not know, I have a job that has something to do with the Olympics in Canada. I have never been afraid to be open about this for fear that my colleagues might somehow find out how completely ridiculous my life is... for they already know it and embrace it... so it is all good.

Anyway, 99% of my job is ho-hum-dee-dum quite unexciting but on more than a few occasions I do get to interact with some of our athletes. On those occasions I become like a little giddy school girl, especially when I get to a chance to speak with some of my favorite Olympic boyfriends. I don't know why, but it always seems to makes my day a lot more fun. Today has been a Brad Gushue day, who I want to just eat up like pudding... A big heaping bowl of chocolate pudding...

Hmmm..... pudding... Gotta go... lunch time...


Blasts from the Pasts

Another St. Paddy's Day has come and gone and as usual it totally rocked. It is the one night of the year where you can talk to complete strangers and not have them look at you like you are trying to rob them. The one night of the year where complete strangers will buy you a pint and expect nothing back in return... God Bless the Irish...

Anyway, so it was fun. I ran into the Irish people from last year who were once again whooping it up, though this time sans my Wall-eyed Irishman who has long since been back in the Old Country. Phew. I was worried that I might have seen him, which would have greatly hindered my plans of hanging with the other Irish folk should they have been there... which they were... and so I did... hang with them... and then I went home... and went to bed... and got up the next day... and felt pretty good despite drinking my weight in Guinness (Guinnesses? Guinnessi?)... and not having eaten a damn thing all night... cut to Saturday night.

So, everyone remember my disappearing-reappearing Train Conductor right? Oh come on, sure you do. He's the one who writes me every few months or so:

Bea... Train Conductor... hope all is well... working lots... off this weekend... beers maybe...let me know if works... talk soon... Train Conductor.

And then I don't hear from him for about 2 months and then I get:

Bea... Train Conductor... hope you are well... not in town this weekend... beers next weekend... talk soon... Train Conductor.

etc... etc... etc... So that has been going on consistently since last August... last AUGUST people. And I kept playing along simply because I thought it was hilarious and because I have a sick sense of humour. I was trying to keep it going until August because if I was still getting emails like that a year after having only ever met him once, I was going to just howl because honestly... WTF?

Anyway, oddly enough he was really quite serious about getting together this time and I was like, whatever, I got nothing better going on and also, I really wanted to watch basketball on the weekend and watching it with someone else is always more fun AND he offered to pay for Chinese food, and ciders so when I added it all up, it came to like 30 points in favour of him coming over which I thought was a nice round number so I said what the hell, sure.

It was an interesting evening to say the least. He is not as good-looking as I remembered him to be... still cute, but in more of a Neville Longbottom kind of way... and it's funny because after the games were over he really, really wanted to watch Harry Potter so we did, and he reminded me so much of Neville Longbottom... you know... adorable but in a horribly dorky and awkward kind of way... that he is no longer Train Conductor in my mind anymore, he is Neville Longbottom and that he will remain for ever and all time.

We had fun... not THAT kind of fun...wink wink... but a good time nonetheless and despite getting the "I'll call you later in the week to see how your weekend is looking" standard goodbye if I actually GET that phone call I will be flabbergasted. However, throwing a monkey-wrench into the machinery that I am sure was to have us meeting again sometime mid-October-ish was the fact that he left his watch at my place. As a train conductor, one could assume that a watch is quite an important accessory, second only to the conductor's hat.

Gotta go... lots of work... will let everyone know if calls... Bea.



No posting in a while... sorry... That is mostly due to nothing really happening to speak of. True, I could talk about the 3 men I have in my life right now, but I won't. I could also talk about the fact that the world seems to be going to hell in a handbasket lately, but I won't. I could talk about how much fun it is now that March Madness is back starting tomorrow, but I won't. The following is a list of other things that I COULD talk about, but I won't:

Hugh (my devil cat or Laurie... stupid House not being on this week)
American Idol (Let's just give the damn prize to that bald rocker guy already)
Paris Hilton (Will she ever go away?)
More annoying people cracking gum (How can they not know?)
St. Paddy's Day this Friday(How excited am I?)
The Beautiful South (Jennifer, Alison, Phillippa, Sue...)
Short, bald Englishmen with unusually large...
Disappearing and reappearing train conductors
Men with the same name as that girl from Contact and Flight Plan
Pretty skirts (am particularly fond of the one I am wearing today)
The hilarious hippies from The Amazing Race (love those guys!)
My oh-so-clean workspace
Pride and Prejudice AND Harry Potter both out on DVD (that's un-possible)
Dill pickle Crispy Minis (why oh why do they make your tongue hurt?)
Time actually going backwards today
Guinness (the beer, not Sir Alec)
Public washroom etiquette

Aren't you glad I posted?

I Don't Want to Alarm You...

But I think a mad scientist moved into the loft across the hall last night. I distinctly heard the sounds of several gurneys being rolled in, as well as the clank of test tubes and Bunsen burners... and possibly what may or may not have been the limping gait of a deformed assistant. I definitely heard maniacal laughter, of that I am sure.

I am afraid... very, very afraid.



The Great Debate

Gum vs. Cigarettes

The age old question... which is more annoying to the world at large? Let us take a look shall we?

Gum vs. Cigarettes... on the bus. Seeing as how you are no longer permitted to smoke on public transportation, gum is the hands down winner at being more annoying in this case. True, the smell while sitting next to someone who took their final puff the second prior to getting on the bus is not super pleasant but believe you me... it is much easier to ignore that then the incessant squishsquishsgquishsquish that accompanies an inconsiderate gum chewer. I will also mention here the act of cracking your gum every 2.5 seconds as if you were having a mini-war of independence in your mouth. I for one do not like war, whether it be over in Iraq or in your mouth... so please take the time to stop and remember... Gum is meant to be neither seen nor heard. Gum 1, Cigarettes 0.

Gum vs. Cigarettes... in the great outdoors. Being unable to smoke indoors anymore, smokers now have no choice but to smoke outside and while some clearly have the "it's a free country and I can smoke where I damn well please if you are concerned about second hand smoke then move your baby somewhere else bitch" attitude, many are very, very considerate... especially for those of us who have an allergy to the smoke. I am not a huge fan of smoking (cigarettes anyway... wink wink), but smokers have just as much right to do their business outdoors as we non-smokers have to not do it and so recognizing that they have no where else to go... if offended, go stand or walk somewhere else. Gum on the other hand is a much trickier devil because while walking in public, you do not tend to see gum until it is much too late, and by too late, I mean sticking to your shoe. Stepping on a cigarette? Unless it is lit and you are in bare feet... not an issue. Gum 2, Cigarettes 0.

Gum vs. Cigarettes... while making out. I think even smokers will agree that it is much more pleasant to kiss someone who has a stick of gum in their mouth than a cigarette. Gum 2, Cigarettes 1.

Gum vs. Cigarettes... while drinking alcohol. Have you ever had a beer while chewing on a piece of wintermint gum? No? Well that's because even the most slow-witted of those amongst us know that would be gross. Nor have I smoked a cigarette while drinking a beer... OK, maybe I have but if I am at the point of smoking cigarettes then I have had too many beers to count and thus do not remember that it occurred at all and would be beyond knowing the difference between what was gross and what was not... Anyway, my point is that I have seen many, many people out there do just that, so smoking a cigarette while drinking may or may not be gross. Gum 3, Cigarettes 1

Gum vs. Cigarettes... when flirting. Scenario one: a guy sees a girl across a crowded room. Oh man, she is HOT... and she smokes... a perfect way to make my move. "Excuse me", he says to the girl, "do you think I can borrow your lighter for a sec?" "But of course" she says lovingly, "Why, let us smoke together..."" Yes, let us shall we"? he laughed jovially...and they lived happily ever after. Scenario two: a guy sees a girls across a crowded room. Oh Man, she is HOT... I guess I'll head over and make my move. "Excuse me", she says to the girl, "do you have any gum?" "Um, yes, I do, here you go" she says looking at him oddly. "Great, Thanks!" he says as he walks away, feeling like an idiot as all his friends laugh hysterically in the corner as the guy from Scenario one steps onto the scene. Gum 4, Cigarettes 1.

In conclusion, the above detailed evidence clearly proves that gum truly is a menace to society. It should be banned and banned swiftly lest it ruins one more life.


1) Petty, Beatrice "Bea on Subway on Tuesday Morning". March 7, 2006. Yonge/University Line Northbound
2) Petty, Beatrice "Things that have happened at some point in Bea's life" Magazine. Feb '74- Mar '06. Worldwide.
3) Petty, Beatrice "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Pub". Adapted for the screen Feb '06. Coming Summer '08 to theatres everywhere.
4) Petty, Beatrice "Black Running Shoes, Pan Flutes and Other Things Bea Finds Annoying". Work in progress. Worldwide.


That Sh*t's Swanked

And by that, of course I am referring to Paul Haggis' Best Picture Oscar for Crash. Who knew that the unassuming balding man who I met at the Toronto International Film Festival a couple of years ago was going to become the darling of Hollywood and beat out a couple of gay cowboys?

I realized this morning that I had not managed to put up my Oscar predictions, but as I had only seen like 5 out of the any of the movies nominated for any of the awards, it would not have been much of a predictions page as it would have been me just making things up and giving the Oscars to whoever had the coolest name, or best hair or something like that. But I was going to pick Crash, I swear. It was the only of the 5 nominated I had seen so it would have won by default... and you know what they say about winning by default... fool me once, shame on... shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again.

Or something like that.

Give me a break. It's Monday.


Coming up on Beatrice Petty... American Idol... does it HAVE to be on 3 days a week?


Fancy Balls and Airports

I'm alive!!! Thank goodness...

So last Friday was this amazing Motion Ball Gala in support of Special Olympics. I decided that the best thing I could do to support this worthy cause, besides taking advantage of the free tickets that I was given, was to drink my weight in free booze and NOT actually contribute in any way financially to any number of the several fundraising events taking place throughout the venue. True, that may seem most un-philanthropic at first glance, but the fact that I was physically there in all my glory was the best way I could come up with show how much I care.

Anyway, it was super fun but the weird thing was... I know this has happened to everyone reading this on occasion... unless you have never consumed any potent potables in your hangover-free life... is that no matter how many G&Ts I drank, I couldn't actually get drunk. The disaster that this could have been was slightly abated, mostly due to the fact that I myself was not paying for the drinks... but still, that is besides the point!

Blah blah blah... did some stuff on the weekend... blah blah blah.

Now Monday was interesting, which is a pleasant change from Monday usually being the most annoying day of the week... For Monday was the day that many of our nation's finest athletes were returning to home soil and mostly all were stopping off in Toronto en-route to return from whence they came. My primary job? Make sure the Curlers got to where they needed to go amidst the throng of media and well wishers that were in attendance at the airport. My observations from this event, as well as the other athlete arrivals are as follows:

1) Gold medal winning curlers are like rockstars, especially if they are from Newfoundland.
2) The Gold medals awarded in Turin are shiny and heavy. I got to hold one. You may all bow down to me. But don't touch.
3) Brad Gushue? Adorable.
4) Don't leave Girl alone with above mentioned adorable curler.
5) It takes a long time to get from Terminal 3 to Terminal 1.
6) Some people really do have nothing better to do than to hang out at the airport all day long for a glimpse of someone... anyone.
7) 80-year old women should re-think their decision to spend 2 hours a day in a tanning bed.
8) Yowsers... some photographers are freaking gorgeous.
9) Jeffrey Buttle? Adorable... and bilingual. Who knew?
10) Holy heck Short-track speed skaters are short... oops, I mean vertically challenged. They are not unlike jockeys. Weird.

So it was a fun day of sorts. Long, but fun nonetheless. Friday is just a couple of days away and I am so stoked. Why? Because this will be the first weekend that I can remember in a long time where I will not feel like I have to be checking my work e-mail every 2.5 seconds.

Free at Last, God Almighty I am free at last!