Tuesday

The Great Debate

Gum vs. Cigarettes

The age old question... which is more annoying to the world at large? Let us take a look shall we?

Gum vs. Cigarettes... on the bus. Seeing as how you are no longer permitted to smoke on public transportation, gum is the hands down winner at being more annoying in this case. True, the smell while sitting next to someone who took their final puff the second prior to getting on the bus is not super pleasant but believe you me... it is much easier to ignore that then the incessant squishsquishsgquishsquish that accompanies an inconsiderate gum chewer. I will also mention here the act of cracking your gum every 2.5 seconds as if you were having a mini-war of independence in your mouth. I for one do not like war, whether it be over in Iraq or in your mouth... so please take the time to stop and remember... Gum is meant to be neither seen nor heard. Gum 1, Cigarettes 0.

Gum vs. Cigarettes... in the great outdoors. Being unable to smoke indoors anymore, smokers now have no choice but to smoke outside and while some clearly have the "it's a free country and I can smoke where I damn well please if you are concerned about second hand smoke then move your baby somewhere else bitch" attitude, many are very, very considerate... especially for those of us who have an allergy to the smoke. I am not a huge fan of smoking (cigarettes anyway... wink wink), but smokers have just as much right to do their business outdoors as we non-smokers have to not do it and so recognizing that they have no where else to go... if offended, go stand or walk somewhere else. Gum on the other hand is a much trickier devil because while walking in public, you do not tend to see gum until it is much too late, and by too late, I mean sticking to your shoe. Stepping on a cigarette? Unless it is lit and you are in bare feet... not an issue. Gum 2, Cigarettes 0.

Gum vs. Cigarettes... while making out. I think even smokers will agree that it is much more pleasant to kiss someone who has a stick of gum in their mouth than a cigarette. Gum 2, Cigarettes 1.

Gum vs. Cigarettes... while drinking alcohol. Have you ever had a beer while chewing on a piece of wintermint gum? No? Well that's because even the most slow-witted of those amongst us know that would be gross. Nor have I smoked a cigarette while drinking a beer... OK, maybe I have but if I am at the point of smoking cigarettes then I have had too many beers to count and thus do not remember that it occurred at all and would be beyond knowing the difference between what was gross and what was not... Anyway, my point is that I have seen many, many people out there do just that, so smoking a cigarette while drinking may or may not be gross. Gum 3, Cigarettes 1

Gum vs. Cigarettes... when flirting. Scenario one: a guy sees a girl across a crowded room. Oh man, she is HOT... and she smokes... a perfect way to make my move. "Excuse me", he says to the girl, "do you think I can borrow your lighter for a sec?" "But of course" she says lovingly, "Why, let us smoke together..."" Yes, let us shall we"? he laughed jovially...and they lived happily ever after. Scenario two: a guy sees a girls across a crowded room. Oh Man, she is HOT... I guess I'll head over and make my move. "Excuse me", she says to the girl, "do you have any gum?" "Um, yes, I do, here you go" she says looking at him oddly. "Great, Thanks!" he says as he walks away, feeling like an idiot as all his friends laugh hysterically in the corner as the guy from Scenario one steps onto the scene. Gum 4, Cigarettes 1.

In conclusion, the above detailed evidence clearly proves that gum truly is a menace to society. It should be banned and banned swiftly lest it ruins one more life.
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Bibliography

1) Petty, Beatrice "Bea on Subway on Tuesday Morning". March 7, 2006. Yonge/University Line Northbound
2) Petty, Beatrice "Things that have happened at some point in Bea's life" Magazine. Feb '74- Mar '06. Worldwide.
3) Petty, Beatrice "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Pub". Adapted for the screen Feb '06. Coming Summer '08 to theatres everywhere.
4) Petty, Beatrice "Black Running Shoes, Pan Flutes and Other Things Bea Finds Annoying". Work in progress. Worldwide.

2 comments:

wee said...

Sooooooo.... I get on the sky train after work yesterday and get a sweet seat - hands down BEST seat on the train. I was racing people to get there first. I was so happy... pulled out my novel, was settling in for a great 40 min ride home and then, enter horrible gum-chewing monster at the next station. She (aka the monster) sits right beside me. At first I giggle, thinking about your blog and this crazy coincidence. Then I start to get a bit grossed out. Then I get mad. How can she not hear how loud she is chewing? Why aren't others on the train seeming to even notice? Then I realize the only way to get through this ride is to plug my left ear. So there I am trying to hold my book while plugging my left ear and suddenly this ride isn't so sweet. I'm livid. I give her death glares but she seems oblivious. After 30 mins my arm was throbbing, my back aching, I was losing my mind and low and behold a seat opened up a couple of rows down.... sweet salvation. I gave her one last death glare as she exited a few stops later, I might have even tried to trip her (I've sort of blocked that part out). Horrible gum-chewing monsters!

Gum 5 Cigarettes 1

mollyblogger said...

I was waiting in line at IKEA the other day and I went to rest my hand on one of the bins lining the lineups (you know the ones). Well! Didn't I just find the bestest surprise ever! A nice, (still wet) piece of chewing gum, stuck to the inside of the bin, patiently waiting for that one person, who might feel like leaning against it. Yep. Instant cooties, on my hand. EW. I don't see people putting out their cigarettes and throwing them into IKEA bins. Gum 6 Cigarettes 1.