Welcome to Deja Vu-Ville

Another dilema from the cyber-files.

" Anyway, I saw him last friday night and everything seems fine. Walking down the street he would hold my hand and he likes to cuddle etc. the only thing is is that he does not seem to want to see me more than once a week....or when he is free and has nothing else on. I invited him to a friend's bday last sat night and he said that he had to check his diary which was at work, and then later told me he had work drinks. I thikn this was bullocks cos when I asked him about his weekend yesteday, he did not even mention that he had been out on sat night. Here I am thinkning that he is too busy during the week to see me cos of work when in actual fact, he is probably busy dating other women. I must say that I am a little disappointed with your news and am not sure what to do. To be honest, I really like this guy but I am not sure what his feelings are ie whetehr he sees this as a casual thing or whether he thinks it may go somewhere. This friday night he has work drinks and I have plans and I don't think I want to see him saturday night.....I just don't see him making any effort at the moment and its been 5 weeks... What is a woman to do."

Um, yeah... This is a little deja vu for me... hence the title of this posting. A friend of a friend brought this little nugget to my attention and I must say, it frightened me just a tad. Avid "Me" readers may remember that this is EXACTLY what was happening with the former-PNB. He acted like he was into me when we were together (hand holding, cuddling etc) ... but he didn't really want to see me more than once a week. He also checked his Lavalife every day and didn't want to introduce me to his friends or meet mine. To make this whole thing even scarier, this particular gal's PNB has the same name as mine. It's like we are living parallel lives, except she lives in Australia. She's like Bea Downunda. Proof that us girls have the same issues with boys no matter where we live.

What IS a woman to do?

Even though I had the same thoughts and feelings as Bea Downunda, this is what I didn't do. I really, really wanted to ask him what his thoughts, feelings, intentions etc... were towards me. I kept putting it off becuase deep down, I was afraid of what the answer would be. Ultimately, the answer was something that I didn't want to hear, but had I had the guts to ask him when I originally wanted to, I probably would have saved myself a whole lot of hurt. Previously, I think I was in denial... Denial is like a drug... a wonderful drug that makes you feel really happy when you are on it, but as soon as you aren't... you come down oh so quickly and painfully.

Because I was in denial, I also didn't really look at all the signs. It DOES say a lot that he only wants to see you when he has nothing better going on. Or once a week. Or that he doesn't want to meet your friends. I was always able to make excuses for this... which was a huge mistake.

He's just not that into you if...

So, Bea Downunda, my humble advice is thus, and as it actually came from my above mentioned PNB when we (I should say I) discussed the matter after the fact, I can't really take full credit for it. A guy who seriously wants a relationship with you, or is really, really into you WILL want to see you, no matter how busy he is. If he can go an entire week without seeing you, he probably doesn't feel the same butterflies for you as you do for him. Here is where it gets tricky for you. If you bring the topic up, or press him to get more serious, chances are he will pull away. I hope that he doesn't, and it is entirely possible that he won't. I'm just going by my experience here. I also know that not all guys are the same and there are many, many other possibilities.

Hmmph... I just re-read what I wrote and I sound like a horrible b*tch saying that I don't think he is really into you... what a thing to say. Not being into someone does't mean that you don't like them. Ultimately, it comes down to what the other person is looking for. My former-PNB was looking for a gal who he needed and wanted to see all the time; someone who gave him butterflies even just by thinking of her. I was not that person. And neither was he the person for me in the end. Maybe you are what your guy is looking for. Only you really know what's going on and how things are between the two of you...

I totally suck... Hopefully someone else will have some wise wisdom for my little Aussie Dopelganger. UHL? GWTH? Any thoughts?

But hey... If it doesn't work out, you can always try to stay friends, start a blog and give him the address so he can read it. Then he can get mad at you when you say things about him and you can have a psuedo-friendship over the internet which will usually entail a series of arguments in the comments section for all to see. Good Times!

Beatrice P.


Cascadia said...

Bea, you were totally right. It sounds harsh coming out, but I do think it is better to be honest than sugar coat it. If she is happy with one seeing him once a week, then that is fine. But, from the tone of her letter, it really doesn't sound like it is fine. You shouldn't have to constantly push someone to be with you or to call you or to go out for a drink. It can't be one sided.

She should ask him straight up WTF is going on. Yes, it had only been 5 weeks, but I don't think she wants to waste another 5. As they say, the beginning part, the courting part of the relationship should be fun and exciting. It should be a time when you can't wait to see the other person. It shouldn't be a time of wondering, self-doubt and lies.

To be honest, I am as bad as this guy. With Spikey Haired Boy, I avoided him for a week. Was it fair, was mean and cowardly. The truth was, I just wasn't that into him. I decided it wasn't fair to him or to me, so I finally got the balls to call the whole thing off. Sometimes, I wish guys had bigger balls.

Bea Downunder - you are too good to be spending so much time worrying about this guy. Talk to him, see where he stand and then do what it right for you. Remember, don't waste the pretty!

Girl said...

Supplier of friends to blog about: Isn't it amazing how we think WE
are the only ones who can experience such dating woes and then bam....all the way over on the other side of the world, we learn that someone else can encounter the exact same thing. Somehow, it's a comforting we're not the only women who think we're crazy b/c we just dont get men. This stuff happens all over the world!

theGuywiththeHat said...

I agree. Remember just b/c he doesn't have butterflies does not mean that Bea Downunda is not a sensational woman that any boy should feel lucky to know much less be an object of her affection and, she should remember that.

I know that when you "got it bad" and it isn't reciprocated, it's a huge blow to your feeling of self worth. That's why we avoid blatently asking "What exactly is this relationship?" We are afraid of the answer because, we know if the answer was what we wanted, we wouldn't have to ask. I say "we" because, it is something that we all have been through. It's not just a girl thing. It is one of the universal human conditions IMO. I've known very few people who don't admit to having gone through it. Case in point, my blog read like a teenage girls bad poetry diary for a while when I was in the same situation as Aussie Bea and that wasn't that long ago (well, without the poetry). So, also read that last part as "I'm no expert but, I think...."

My advice, cut your losses and move on. You can't help liking someone. I don't think she should hate or dislike him just because he doesn't feel the same way. But, you can do other things than wait for the phone to ring. Take a hula dance class, create a blog, paint the living room a radical color, take up yoga,... do stuff that takes your mind off the non-ringing phone and also makes you feel good and feel good about you. When you reach the feel-good critical mass, you realize that although that person is attactive, you just can't be into someone who isn't into you.

On another issue, can I just be GH instead of GWTH. Every time I see GWTH I think, "That must be some important person to have 4 names.... Gerald William Theodore Howell or Gary Wilson Thomas Hebert or .... Guy With The Hat...Wait, that's me. duh" :)

mollyblogger said...

Did you know your weather pixie adopted a poodle? When did she do that?!

Re: Bea Downunder- I'm with GH. Cut him loose. Take up yoga. Adopt a poodle... whatever it takes. If he cares, he'll come around. If not, you've still got a poodle.

Anonymous said...


Firstly I just want to say that you have a great knack for writing Bea and I enjoying reading your blog!

This is Bea downunda and I just want to thank you guys for your comments. I don't have it 'bad' for this guy because I have been abit reserved this time around due to many disappointments in the past. I had every intention of asking him WTF is going on on the weekend but just could not bring it up! I am not going to write him off without giving him an opportunity to say what he thinks so I will be asking the big questions soon.

But the thing that pisses me off is that every guy that I am not romantically attracted to makes every effort to talk to me and see me whereas the guys that I am interested in seem to just take it as it comes and without showing much interest at all. I am beginning to wonder whether the 'play hard to get' actually works.