For the first time since I picked up and moved last year, I have seriously begun to question and doubt why I came. It totally sucks. I hate that I feel this way. Until this weekend, things really seemed to be going swimmingly, albeit a few bumps in the road here and there.
Some comments of late about "personal space", mainly with the roomie's feeling that she does not have any and that I play big part in that, have put a monkey wrench into the machinery that is my Toronto life. I can't remember the last time I have felt so alone.
Mother's Day was a couple of weeks ago. I don't know the last time I wasn't able to head over to our wee little island to see her and help her celebrate. Same thing with Easter, Thanksgiving, my birthday etc... As someone who has always been very close to her extremely loving (sometimes stiflingly) and very patient (often underserving) family, I'm really feeling the separation right about now.
When the going gets tough, I wish that I could hop on a plane and go home. When my heart has been stomped on yet again, I wish I could go home and be comforted by my Mom, or have my Dad tell me that all guys are jerks and that I am too good for all of them. When I am under the weather, I wish I could fly home and have my Mom dote on me. If I am bored with no plans for the weekend, I wish I could go home and have a stress free weekend with the folks. Unless I win the lottery, none of these things will be happening any time soon.
My family out west, my closest friends in the burbs, my roommate wanting to spend less time hanging out, for the first time since I came to Toronto, I feel very much like an outsider. Frustrating for me as I feel so at home in this city.
Dating Schmating... where do people meet friends in this city I wonder? Trying to meet friends while dating has proved disastrously ineffective. The hustle and bustle of the Film Festival made it hard to see any one person more than once. People at work are all married and pregnant. Sites like "Friendster" scare the living bejesus out of me. After many an hour of racking my brain, the conclusion that I have come to is thus:
You need friends to make friends.
If you don't already have people to go out and do social things with, then chances are you aren't going out and doing social things. I'm pretty good at doing stuff on my own. In fact, I enjoy going out and doing "me" things around town. My alone time, if you will and I am very happy to do it... It's just those moments, like Friday/ Saturday nights when I think to myself "Gee, it would be fun to see a movie with a bud"... or "It was a really long week at work and I'd really love to hit up Schmooze for 2$ drinks. I promise to eat so I won't disappear into the bathroom only to mysteriously appear in my bed a half hour later"... or even "I'm feeling really mellow and would just love to hang out and play a board game"... it's those little things that have been missing in my life as of late.
So, I'm happy that the warm weather is here. I'm hoping that this feeling of hopelessness goes away once I start enjoying being out and about. And I am hopeful that more people in general will be out and about. Because it has to get better. I have to believe that. After all, I am not a complete social leper... I'm not missing any body parts. I can string a few sentences together coherently. I put my pants on one leg at a time... except that I usually wear skirts... I love the feeling of my thighs rubbing together... not.
Anyway, I'm open to any suggestions, and of course I'll be fine. I'm a strong gal... and it's entirely possible... probable in fact, that this stems from the fact that I am totally PMSing right now.
The 10 things that you do not want to do to me when I am PMSing:
1) Break up with me. That turns a mildly unfortunate event into a Shakespearean tragedy.
2) Insult my character. Actually, this pisses me off at any time, but my reaction to it while PMSing is magnified 10 fold.
3) Force me to watch sappy commercials. Especially commercials that involve old people and children. Especially, especially ones with both old people and children together. Look out, here come the water works.
4) Ask if I want to order pizza. I want to order pizza ALL the time. When PMSing, I could live soley off pizza and be the happiest Bea on Earth.
5) Take me clothes shopping. I gain about 10 pounds in water weight. I get uppity. No one likes an uppity, bloated PMSer.
6) Pay me a compliment. I don't like compliments in the best of times. It's not that I disagree that I am one hot mamma, or that I look devilishly adorable in my new shoes... I just don't like compliments. I don't like giving them, so when I get one, I feel I have to give one back in return. "Um, yeah, your eyes are both the same size. Good for you!"
7) Poke me in the boobies. They become VERY sensitive around the time of my monthly special delivery. At any other time, I welcome and enjoy people touching my boobs. And by people, I mean boys.
8) Not allowing me to have my way. I'm a pretty relaxed person, but while PMSing if I don't get my way... let's just say that you will not have seen pouting like that since your sister was 5.
9) Don't yell at me. Just don't. That's all I will say about that.
10) Make fun of me. I am very good at laughing at myself. For example... when I accidentally say "excrementally" instead of "exponentially" (this really happened) ... normally I would find that completely hysterical and would welcome any and all laughs at my expense... I would be the leader of the laughs... but at PMS time... don't go there or you'll be sorry. I know, yikes!
Let's see how this all pans out.