Much Ado About Nothing

For the first time since I picked up and moved last year, I have seriously begun to question and doubt why I came. It totally sucks. I hate that I feel this way. Until this weekend, things really seemed to be going swimmingly, albeit a few bumps in the road here and there.

Some comments of late about "personal space", mainly with the roomie's feeling that she does not have any and that I play big part in that, have put a monkey wrench into the machinery that is my Toronto life. I can't remember the last time I have felt so alone.

Mother's Day was a couple of weeks ago. I don't know the last time I wasn't able to head over to our wee little island to see her and help her celebrate. Same thing with Easter, Thanksgiving, my birthday etc... As someone who has always been very close to her extremely loving (sometimes stiflingly) and very patient (often underserving) family, I'm really feeling the separation right about now.

When the going gets tough, I wish that I could hop on a plane and go home. When my heart has been stomped on yet again, I wish I could go home and be comforted by my Mom, or have my Dad tell me that all guys are jerks and that I am too good for all of them. When I am under the weather, I wish I could fly home and have my Mom dote on me. If I am bored with no plans for the weekend, I wish I could go home and have a stress free weekend with the folks. Unless I win the lottery, none of these things will be happening any time soon.

My family out west, my closest friends in the burbs, my roommate wanting to spend less time hanging out, for the first time since I came to Toronto, I feel very much like an outsider. Frustrating for me as I feel so at home in this city.

Dating Schmating... where do people meet friends in this city I wonder? Trying to meet friends while dating has proved disastrously ineffective. The hustle and bustle of the Film Festival made it hard to see any one person more than once. People at work are all married and pregnant. Sites like "Friendster" scare the living bejesus out of me. After many an hour of racking my brain, the conclusion that I have come to is thus:

You need friends to make friends.

If you don't already have people to go out and do social things with, then chances are you aren't going out and doing social things. I'm pretty good at doing stuff on my own. In fact, I enjoy going out and doing "me" things around town. My alone time, if you will and I am very happy to do it... It's just those moments, like Friday/ Saturday nights when I think to myself "Gee, it would be fun to see a movie with a bud"... or "It was a really long week at work and I'd really love to hit up Schmooze for 2$ drinks. I promise to eat so I won't disappear into the bathroom only to mysteriously appear in my bed a half hour later"... or even "I'm feeling really mellow and would just love to hang out and play a board game"... it's those little things that have been missing in my life as of late.

So, I'm happy that the warm weather is here. I'm hoping that this feeling of hopelessness goes away once I start enjoying being out and about. And I am hopeful that more people in general will be out and about. Because it has to get better. I have to believe that. After all, I am not a complete social leper... I'm not missing any body parts. I can string a few sentences together coherently. I put my pants on one leg at a time... except that I usually wear skirts... I love the feeling of my thighs rubbing together... not.

Anyway, I'm open to any suggestions, and of course I'll be fine. I'm a strong gal... and it's entirely possible... probable in fact, that this stems from the fact that I am totally PMSing right now.

The 10 things that you do not want to do to me when I am PMSing:

1) Break up with me. That turns a mildly unfortunate event into a Shakespearean tragedy.
2) Insult my character. Actually, this pisses me off at any time, but my reaction to it while PMSing is magnified 10 fold.
3) Force me to watch sappy commercials. Especially commercials that involve old people and children. Especially, especially ones with both old people and children together. Look out, here come the water works.
4) Ask if I want to order pizza. I want to order pizza ALL the time. When PMSing, I could live soley off pizza and be the happiest Bea on Earth.
5) Take me clothes shopping. I gain about 10 pounds in water weight. I get uppity. No one likes an uppity, bloated PMSer.
6) Pay me a compliment. I don't like compliments in the best of times. It's not that I disagree that I am one hot mamma, or that I look devilishly adorable in my new shoes... I just don't like compliments. I don't like giving them, so when I get one, I feel I have to give one back in return. "Um, yeah, your eyes are both the same size. Good for you!"
7) Poke me in the boobies. They become VERY sensitive around the time of my monthly special delivery. At any other time, I welcome and enjoy people touching my boobs. And by people, I mean boys.
8) Not allowing me to have my way. I'm a pretty relaxed person, but while PMSing if I don't get my way... let's just say that you will not have seen pouting like that since your sister was 5.
9) Don't yell at me. Just don't. That's all I will say about that.
10) Make fun of me. I am very good at laughing at myself. For example... when I accidentally say "excrementally" instead of "exponentially" (this really happened) ... normally I would find that completely hysterical and would welcome any and all laughs at my expense... I would be the leader of the laughs... but at PMS time... don't go there or you'll be sorry. I know, yikes!

Let's see how this all pans out.



mollyblogger said...

I'm sorry about the monkey wrench, Bea... the last thing I wanted was for you to feel abandoned. You're not. I'm still here. I'm still your roommate... and thick through thin I'll always be there for you when you need me.

My reasoning was that with some time apart, the time we DO spend together will be better. You CAN rely on me for the occasional night out, movie here or there, and a board game (or PS2) game from time to time... I'm not dropping off the face of the planet. But I just can't be your sole source of friendship in this city. You didn't move here because of me, so tap into all of your original motives for moving here.

As for meeting people... join clubs. That's why they exist. And in Toronto, there's a club for just about every kind of interest. Join a writing workshop if you want to be a writer so much. Get involved with something. Volunteer somewhere not as hectic as TIFF... seriously. That's what I did when I first moved back. That's why I'm heading to that Buddhist temple next week: to meet kindred spirits. Figure out what kind of people you want to meet and seek them out. They're out there... and they'll just adore you!

Beatrice Petty said...

No Worries Molly,

It's been a really long time since we've really done anything or spent any time hanging out together... so I am used to it. I just always assumed that there was something else going one with you besides "I'm sick of spending time with you Bea"... I'm just going through a general feeling of malaise that started with the loss of my mojo, or the loss of mojo is due to tha malaise... who knows. Like your postings from last week, I just needed to get it out.

former pnb/ ulh said...


As a "lonely guy", I can totally relate to your situation. I have always enjoyed my independance (only child) and spend 9 out of 10 nights at home with "Ollie" and some quality TV, some chicken and the all-too-occassional and comfortable drink. My friends are mostly married off with kids so I don't have the "wingman/person" either. Of course I have resigned myself to this fate and would hesitate to put it into words (don't want to scare my good friends & family). On that note, you can always call on me for some friendly "Hot Shots", drinks on a patio/club (we can help each other hook-up) or Movie (just bought Team America....Fuck Yeah! on DVD). Everyting's gonna be aw-wite.


Beatrice Petty said...

Holy Sh*t...

I just bought Team America like 3 hours ago.


There's are some new additions (literally) to the sex scene... I just couldn't until I got home to watch it. Yikes!

Thanks Jeffy, that's really nice coming from you.

mollyblogger said...

Alright, I know this isn't the place for it, but... you say stuff like that Bea ("I'm used to it" and "I just always assumed that there was something else going one with you besides "I'm sick of spending time with you Bea"")... and it makes me feel like shit, like a bad friend... which I'm not.

We go out as much as I go out with any of my other friends. We see each other more than I see any of my other friends. We talk more than I talk to anyone (save my one and only coworker). What more do you want?

Beatrice Petty said...

Not the place indeed.

As of our talk last night, our friendship always be different than what it was. I haven't felt super duper close to you as a friend in a while... ever since November and that isn't your fault, it's just a bi-product of a tragedy that you had no hand in. I had always that you being different/putting me at arms length was due to that, as opposed to feeling that I was invading your personal space, which I totally understand btw.

I am OK with that, and accepting of it. it was only a matter of time before things came to a head... which they did last week. I was just in denial. It's like when two people drift apart, and at least one of the parties (me) knows it, but chooses to put their head in the sand and pretend that it isn't happening... that's how I have been feeling.

I don't expect anything more from you, far from it... it was good to get things out in the open. Just expressing my feelings right now, as you did last week... where I chose not to comment because you were going through something. I was REALLY hurt and angry. I knew that anything I said would have been motivated by these factors and would have made things worse.

Anyway, things will be fine... we will do our own thing for the next little while, as we have been doing for the last couple of months. You know where I live if you ever want to do something.

Like I said... huge PMSing right now. I didn't mean for you to feel singled out. And, I just really miss my Mommy.

theGuywiththeHat said...

Someone get this girl some chocolate, stat! And, I don't mean the cheap/crappy kind either.

If she wants pizza get her that too. If she wants a chocolate pizza... well, that's gross but, it shouldn't kill her :)

Watch "Legend of the Fall" and cry your eyes out. Listen to the blues. Sit in the park and think of mean/humorous captions to attach to various people you see. Try anaprox. Remember that this too will pass.

After that, you can go offline social network building. Until then, avoid people at all cost. Even the best will just make you mad or sad or both. Probably like I'm doing now.....

OK, i'll just shutup now before I get a boomerang shoe to the head. That happened to me once btw and for pretty much the same reason. But, I'm hard headed. That explains why I didn't learn the lesson :)

Capitaine said...

If I wasn't over 1000 km away, I would take you out for our usual date. I miss my friends too since I moved, and although I've got my boyfriend here with me, I need to be with my girl friends once in a while. And I don't have any here...

Plus, I'm having my PSM today too! So we would be two grumpy people together. Uncle Herb usually helps with that...

Good luck Bea. I went through some phases like that too, when you wonder what you're doing there. If you need to get away for a weekend (and have some extra $$$), you are welcome to visit here! There's nothing like turning a compost pile to make you feel better!!!
I really hope you feel better soon... And that you and Molly fix things up between the two of you. You're two great people!

Beatrice Petty said...

Cap: How do i get there and when can I come?

GH: Timing is a motherf*cker eh? I've got my big singles night at Holt Renfrew tomorrow. I'll do my best to get the "get the f*ck out of my face" attitude off my face, I promise.

Cascadia said...

You always have a place to stay here kid if you ever need a break. I know it is a bit of a way, but my door is always always always open. I hope things pick up for you sweetie! Maybe tomorrow night.....

theGuywiththeHat said...

Yeah, timing does suck some times. But, just like they used to say in the old tampax commercials, "don't let that stop you". You can go bike riding, swimming, meet cute boys, ... Although, I wouldn't suggest bike riding or swimming at the Holt Renfrew bash :) I think Capt. is right too. A nice little chat with Uncle Herb would help you put things in perspective too.

I can't wait to read your Holt Renfrew review.

Beatrice Petty said...


I had a nice vist from my favorite Uncle last night. It was mellowing as per usual. TeeHee


PS... I am LOADS better today thanks. Just needed to have my "poor little me" moment. .

I still miss my Mommy though.

LuckySpinster said...

women friendships are tricky sometimes, because i think we estrogenated ones tend to worry overmuch about other people's feelings, and that only naturally builds into tension or even resentment after a while. i always assume both parties are sincerely trying their best to be good people and not be jerks. when you get into hurt feelings or invaded personal time/space, defensive or passive aggressive moves can emerge seemingly from nowhere. been there. done that. the only thing that ever fixed tension like that was respect and honesty. it can be uncomfortable, but no more so than letting things seethe under the surface. i hope you make nice-nice.

anyway, i moved to NH for two years to get away from everything, and after two years i was lonely, so i moved back to DC. i'm still lonely sometimes. everyone is. just means you're normal. it's hard to make friends, that's for sure. the modern world lends itself to isolation.

hang in there. you're never as alone as you think you are. esp when you're pms-ing.

i'm sending much love your way.

TGWTH: Legends of the Fall always makes me sob like a baby. Don't know why.