Tuesday

Another one for the Files

Alright, I need someone to explain to me exactly WHEN having respect for our fellow human beings fell by the wayside? Dating woes aside... Seriously, I'd like to know.

So, this just very recently happened to a friend of mine... although why it has managed to not happen to me yet... by the grace of god... anyway:

Girl meets Boy. Boy lives in Colorado, girl in TO. Girl and Boy have a 2 month long-distance relationship. Despite Girl's reservations about said Boy (a child, no job to speak of), Boy manages to convince Girl that he is all that and a block of cheese. Boy relentlessly plies Girl with compliments, pleading with her not to date other people before they see each other. Boy cancels planned trip to Toronto for "work reasons". Boy convinces Girl to drop everything and come down for a visit. Girl relents, with Boy promising to pay half of flight. Boy continues calling, all the while with further declarations that he and Girl are MFEO. As Girl presses Boy for confirmation on a date to fly down, Boy conveniently encounters "crisis" in little home town of Winchestertonfieldville, Colorado (evicted from living with gay roomate because he "dissed" the neighbour who was relentlessly pursuing him after he slept with her and then the woman told landlord he molests small children, oh, and all the other women in town are in love with him). Boy tells Girl to hold off on the flight as he is heading to sister's place in another part of the state for the weekend to regroup. Boy tells Girl that all accusations are a lie and that things will be sorted out shortly and that he cannot wait to see her as they are still MFEO. 2 days later on MSN, Girl jokingly asks if the reason he hasn't called is because he has met someone. Boy hesitates. Boy tells Girl that he has hooked up with a friend of sister's over the weekend and that THEY are MFEO. Boy tells girl that he never meant it to happen. Boy tells Girl it he couldn't help it. Boy turns things around on Girl and argues that it is all her fault that she fell for him. So that he doesn't add insult to injury, Boy asks girl if she would still want to see him when he comes back to TO to visit his child. Girl tells Boy to go FECK himself. Boy tells Girl he doesn't like her tone. Girl throws phone out the window.

The End

So, help me out folks. In what way can this "Boy"... and I use that word on purpose... how can he think that his behaviour is in anyway acceptable? It was just cruel for the sake of being cruel. And why have I heard tales from both men and women, of similiar goings on? I totally get that you can feel one way one day, and then have things gradually change. No problem. You cannot like everyone right? It just seems that there were a million and one ways this guy could have handled the situation and none of them involved an msn "I'm sorry, it just happened. Oh and by the way, it's all your fault for not having come down sooner". Yikes.

First off, I would suggest to this fella that he choose his words more carefully next time. Sometimes, us women really, really like to hear compliments about how cool, fun, pretty, adorable, witty we are. Sometimes compliments can make us feel really, really good about ourselves, especially when we've been having as rough go of things. But compliments and flattery in the wrong hands can be very dangerous. Very dangerous indeed. And in the hands of someone who is a tad unscrupulous... scary.

And it sucks... it totally does. Some men I've met wonder why us women are so weird about certain things. Why some of us don't like compliments (I hate compliments... I am mildy offended by them... unless you are telling me how funny and brilliant you think I am and then I am all over that... doesn't happen often though... sigh). We try and try and try to open up and trust men. To trust what they mean what they say to us. To trust that they aren't dating/sleeping/saying the same things to other women behind our backs. It is really really hard to do sometimes, especially when events such as the one detailed above happen to the people close to you. I've also met guys who have experienced their fair share of unscrupulous behaviour at the hands of women and are leary to trust wholeheartedly once more. I know it goes both ways.

"Duped again" was what this friend said after the whole thing had gone down. That totally broke my heart. No one should ever have to feel "duped" because they believe that the kindness of others is genuine and given without any ulterior motive. And it really is just too bad, that a few bad apples mixed into the bunch are enough to spoil the whole barrel. An experience with a bad apple stays with you far longer that one with a good apple. A good apple goes down just right and when you are finished with it, you go merrily along your way. A bad apple will make your tummy upset, give you gas and/or the runs. In some cases, it can send you to the hospital and incapacitate you for days. Sometimes a bad apple will turn you off of the fruit completely. At the very least, it will make you reluctant to eat another apple for a while... which sucks, because apples are good... especially granny smith apples. Yum.

Unless you don't like apples. In that case, please finish this sentence by inserting an analogy that speaks to you: A few bad ______ are enough to spoil the whole _____. I don't really know what the moral of this posting is except... Well... Do unto others, I suppose. Sorry about the rant.

Bea

11 comments:

LuckySpinster said...

Firstly, have I told you lately how brilliant and funny I think you are?

I am so with you on the compliment thing. I don't like 'em. There's an implicit judgment, even if it's a positive one, that is hard to accept. I don't like being reminded of my appearance--I'm often trying to forget about it.

Secondly, there are many people out there with issues masquerading as normal people. We all want to connect so badly that we readily see the good and ignore the little warning signs. At least she found this out before making the trip. She wasn't duped so much as she tried something and it didn't work out. You gotta keep trying. Keep eating them apples. (I love your metaphors btw.)

Last year I moved back to DC and started dating this guy. Little did I know that while I was in NH, this guy was lying his way through many faux relationships, leaving a horrible pile of emotional detritus in his nasty wake. No one warned me. (That's not true. Someone told me she slept with him once and didn't want to see me get hurt, but she always talks bad about people so I didn't really listen.) One of the girls he "dated" believed him when he said he was a firefighter. Yeah.

So there's amazing chemistry and conversation. I loaned him money (he paid me back), and totally supported his attempts at getting sober, then BLAM he said he loved me. Several times. Introduced me to his mom and a close friend. A few days later, I bury my grandmother, talk to him on the phone that day, then see him at a party that night WHERE HE TOTALLY IGNORES ME AND GOES HOME WITH THIS OTHER GIRL. I was devastated. And drunk. He tried to act like I was this big naive mess and everything was my fault. He was cruel. I hope I never see him again as long as I live. There are jackasses out there and they ruin it for the nice guys.

Beatrice Petty said...

That truly is the unfortunate thing... that total jerks do ruin it for the nice guys. Poor nice guys.

Sorry to hear about the non-firefighting jackass retard... he sounded like a real piece of work. Yikes!

Anonymous said...

Girl here....When I see it all in front of me like that, broken down piece by piece I'm thinking I must have been a psycho to have been interestd in a Boy like that. But sometimes love or deep like, in this case, is blinding...especially when you receive emails from Boy that goes something like this....'I know this distance sucks and i beleive that face to face we could have a chemistry that would get us through this stuff and be possibly the something we are both looking for - i just feel it and know.'

Hmm....now I'm wondering what romance novel he got that line from!

Has this taught me a lesson? I guess I've learned that I shouldn't be dating Boys from Whereville, Colorado, who actually wants Girl to wear tight jeans, a tube top and cowboy boots. Oh ya, and a big belt buckle.

What was I thnking??

theGuywiththeHat said...

I've been reading your blog for a while. I stumbled upon it when I started my blog. I'll admit that when I was clicking through the other blogspots, I hit yours and thought "She's cute! And, I can read this blog. It's in English :)" Busted. But, I am a guy so what else would anyone expect? :) I like the way you think. The way you articulate your thoughts is witty, interesting and real. I haven't felt the irresistible urge to comment until now...

I agree with your "bad apples" theory. I'm one of those guys that's everyone's shoulder to cry on. I've seen many friends through tough sh*t. I've also noticed that when jerks get involved with nice people, they can cause good people to go bad. It's like a nice gal/guy gets kicked around once too often and they start to turn mean. Then, they discover that it's just easier to be mean. I've seen many of nice people turn to the dark side over the years. One bad apple turns another bad and after a while, the whole barrel is spoiled.

Your friend had the courage to love. She didn't get "duped" even if she feels that way. She's better off without someone like that in her life and, he's definitely worse off without her. I believe in Karma. She is MEAN but, she's extremely fair. So, your friend is owed something really good further down the road.

She should remember to look way elsewhere (not just geographically). I think that the sexiest personality trait is confidence. Jerks (both male and female) fake confidence with apathy. Nice people are often not confident because, they care too much about what other people think. I think that is why jerks are more "interesting" than "nice guys/girls." Have you ever known a nice guy/girl that finally falls in love? It's like all the sudden everyone notices them for the first time and thinks "Why didn't I ask them out *BEFORE* they got into a relationship?" That's because they suddenly have confidence, smile a lot, make much more eye contact, are more outgoing, .... You can't beat chemistry. But, if there is a chance with a nice person and, they fall in love with you then, everyone will tell you how LUCKY you were to swoop that person up from under everyone's nose. Well, that just MHO.

This is probably the longest comment in the history of comments :) I'll end it by saying that I would have submitted this as "anonymous" but, other blogs that I've seen word it as "Anonymous Coward said ......" :) Your friend doesn't count as "anonymous" because, you know who she is. Anyway, I hope you don't mind my intrusion into your corner of the net to put my 2 cents in.

Jay said...

Okay, what is this mfeo thing? Am I even reading it right?

Beatrice Petty said...

Girl, you are no psycho!!! But did he really want you to wear tight jeans, a tube top and cowboy boots AND a big belt buckle? You are soooo lucky that I didn't know that before I blogged... But seriously... that's my point. You had every right to believe what he was telling you. You would have had to be made of stone to not fall for it... and you are not. I know you... flesh and blood like the rest of us... well, not me. I am a plank of wood right now. I believe I already went into that.

GWTH: Yay... I love that a boy reads my blog... and some nice points for Girl. I TOTALLY agree on confidence being really sexy. Another thing that is sexy... men who blog!

Jay: MFEO = Made For Each Other. I really should start that glossary. I had intended to cut back on my acronym usage. Apparently not.

mollyblogger said...

Jay, just be glad she abandoned the PNB, CSBF and LMAO... oh wait... she didn't.

I'm telling you Bea, the people demand a glossary!

oh and RE: this Girl-- Not that I'm advocating cynicism... but it's always worked for me. If something seems too good to be true... don't invest.

Anonymous said...

Just another reason why you should meet people in real life... and not on the internet.

Beatrice Petty said...

Touchee "anonymous"... Any ideas on where us singletons can go to make this happen?

Seriously, I'd like to know. Bookstores? The Zoo? Bingo Halls??? Already tried those. I'm out of ideas.

Girl said...

Girl here - Yes Anony...us single girls would like to know what great ideas you have about where we can meet normal single boys. Done the sport activity thing, the volunteer thing, the gym thing...to no avail. So let's hear it.

To TGWTH: Thanks for your kind words. I do believe things happen for a reason and I'm meant to be better off. The fact that Boy's new 'friend's' name is Mainie says it all....I'm much better off!!!

Anonymous said...

**UPDATE**

Just received word from the Girl that the usurper from Colorado's name is "Mainie".

I don't get it! Is that a new fad in the States? To name your children after States? Weird.