Lessons in Love.

Originally uploaded by Beatrice Petty.
By Beatrice Petty

So, it would appear that my good friend Cascadia has decided to immerse herself in the crazy little subculture that is Lavalife. I for one say "Good for You" Cascadia. And despite having removed myself from the insanity a short while ago... I am very excited for the adventure on which she is about to emabark. With that in mind, I would like to offer the Fair Cascadia a little bit of advice in the lava/love department. Here goes...

1) Don't waste your time doing the msn flirting. Get the meeting out of the way as quickly as possible. I CANNOT tell you how much time I wasted chatting the evening away only to be horribly disappointed when I finally met the chap in person. No matter how "MFEO" you are on msn or how much "chat" chemistry you have, you will never know for sure until you meet face to face. That's all I have to say about that.

3) Don't meet up with any expectations. Expectations suck. I have devised the following equation to help things make more sense of things: hours and hours of MSN chatting + great msn chemistry(x msn sex) + laughs = RAISED EXPECTATIONS

2) Find out what the guy wants before you meet him. If you are in this whole thing to find someone who is open to a long-term committed relationship, then you really should be aware that the guy you are about to meet is only open to bringing you over to his buddy's place where you can have a good old fashionned gang bang in the hot tub. Right away we've got a problem here folks. It is also good to know if the guy you are seeing is still completely in love with his ex-girlfriend thus dooming the whole thing from the very beginning, but that little nugget of information won't come out until after you've met... and fallen in like... just be prepared.

3) Further to the point about RAISED EXPECTATIONS (see above formula), DO NOT meet up with any expectations AT ALL: (RAISED EXPECTATIONS x Guy a complete dolt) + could have been home watching favorite TV program = SEVERE AND HORRIBLE DISAPPOINTMENT.

4) Block, block, block. Cascadia, I doubt you will understand the ins and outs of LL already, but this is very important. When you go out with somebody... whether you end up liking them, or not liking them... BLOCK THEM. Case in point... I have this friend who relentlessley tortured herself by going online specifically to "catch" her lavaboys in the act of being online after a date... and then getting mad at them... which in turn made them run away screaming. You will have to accept the fact that, amazing date or no, a guy (and you) is going to go right back on the next day to check his lavalife. For reasons that I will explain in a bit... just block the bastard and save yourself a lot of grief.

5) Don't waste your time with guys who are too busy to meet up. It's bullshit. And if you get that excuse after you've met... Forget about him... he's not into you. Move on to the next guy who is.

6) Never assume that a guy you have gone out with a few times has taken himself off lavalife. I dated someone for 2 months and he never took himself off. That should have been a very big hint to me that he wasn't into me. Only you know how long you should let it go on before you say anything. In my opinion, this is one of the worst aspects of Lavalife... the never knowing how many people the other person is seeing besides you. It will make you crazy, but unless otherwise stated, assume that the other person is still seeing other people. If it bothers you then say something. I waited too long and in the end it bit me in the ass.

7) Don't let a guy get away with ANY bad behavior! If he doesn't phone when he says he is going to, or consistantly breaks plans or, in general, isn't making an effort to see you... Kick him to the curb. Again, don't make excuses for his behaviour... If you find yourself saying "He's just really independant" or "His job keeps him really busy" to justify him not calling or getting together... Hmmmm well, speaking from experience... NOT GOOD!

8) I've rambled... to be sure... but this is the last piece of advice I will give today on this matter and believe me, I could go on and on and on and on and...

Understand that A LOT of people are on lava to find the "perfect person". My experience has led me to believe that these people have no idea what exactly the perfect person will look like, but that's what they are looking for nonetheless. That, coupled with the fact that to meet that so called "perfect match" might just be a login away means that A LOT of people will just move onto the next in line-- always hoping to find something better-- without really giving something that could be good a fair chance. Here we have a case of a bird in the hand NOT being worth 2 in the bush. I guess what I am trying to say is try not to take it too personally when a guy who you thought you had great chemistry with doesn't want to meet up again. You were not the girl he fantasized he would meet online and he has decided that the 2 in the bush might be. Little does he know that the joke is on him and the next girl he goes out with will be doing the same thing to him. Everyone gets their comeupance in the end. It just sucks when it has to come at your expense.

Anyway, there you have it, a little bit of advice from someone who had to learn about things the hard way. I hope it helps. I look forward to reading about your adventures on your blog. How fitting that this posting was written on the day "The Man" has decided we can officially celebrate LOVE. I should be bitter at once again being single on this day... every year without fail... It's mind boggling really...

But I am hopeful that there is someone out there for me. So while I sit here, too chicken to ask my mailman out for a beer... I just hope it will be soon... I'm getting bored over here Universe!!!


Cascadia said...

Thank you thank you thank you! I needed all of that advice! You actually reminded me of a great book i read a couple months ago - "he's just not that into you". I think i need to give it another read before I head back into the lavalife scene! What have I got myself into?

Anonymous said...

To help with the Male perspective...I think being accountable (and not assuming the role of "victim") greatly helps in the success of a relationship. As for #6, I think checking in on Lavalife Mail after seeing someone for a couple of Months is far less punishable than physically going out on dates with other guys...of course, that was not mentioned.