Reincarnation 101

** Disclaimer... as the comments that this posting is generating are coming from men who seem to think that I am "bashing" them and/or portraying them in any other negative sort of light and/or I am being pessimistic etc... I just want to clarify that a) I have the utmost respect for what would seem to be the genetically inhereted "out of sight, out of mind" trait possessed by "some" men and that b) being realistic about the fact that I may never marry seems much healthier to me than thinking marriage is the be all and end of of my life's existence and that c) well, there isn't a c per say... it was meant to be a fun and silly little posting that apparently became about how bitter and pathetic I am... from now on, I will write about ponies and butterflies**

I've decided what I want to come back as in my next life...

A Man.

And not because I think that it is the next step on the path to enlightenment. Truth be told, I think that it might be a step backwards, a little lower than cats and dolphins, but DEFINITELY higher than raccoons. Psycho little buggers they are. Anyway, my reasons for wanting to return as a homo sapien of the male persuasion are a follows... and of course, this is based soley on my experiences and my experiences alone... and for those of you who have been closely following my dating adventures over the past year or so, you know that what I know could about fill a tea cup. A tea cup that belongs to one of the little alien thingies from Sesame Street that live in flower boxes... what were those things called??? At any rate, a very small tea cup was what I was getting at.

So, what has Beatrice learned about men thus far?

1) Men are completely oblivious. This is actually the number one reason why I wish to return as one. Girls can be a little odd sometimes. When you make tentative or even definite plans with us say, at the beginning of the week, a week or two in advance etc, and then we don't hear from you for say... the entire week or we hear from you but you avoid the topic of said plans... um, we assume that the plans are not a given and then stress out and completely analyze everything to death and the result we come up with in the end is that there are no plans, there never were any plans and how could you be so mean and you can all go to hell. And then the day of the supposed "plans" come about and you get the phone call saying "when can I pick you up?". So, while the gal has spent the entire week obsessing over not hearing from the guy and getting an ulcer over it, the guy has spent the week thinking about whether or not his colourblindedness has led to him wearing a red shirt with green pants or what the knock in his car could possibly be. It's brilliant in it's simplicity. I want to be clueless dammit!!!

2) Men pay less for their stuff than women. Pick an item that is available to both sexes: haircuts, shoes, clothes, hygiene products etc... and odds are that men have to pay far less than women for the same thing. And do not even get me started on make-up and feminine products which men do not even need to bother with at all. There should be a law that says that women MUST earn a higher salary than men just so we can pay for all the extras... Coming back in my next life as a man is simply a logical way to cut costs folks. Plain and simple. And furthermore... I'm not going to spend any money on dates any more. I just decided... of course, I have no prospects for a date anytime soon so that is neither here nor there... but IF and WHEN I ever meet anyone ever again... That's what I was trying to say.

3) Men are more numerous than women. I'm thinking that were I a guy, I would have no troubles at all meeting the gal of my dreams. Logic would seem to dictate that if there are 10 men and 30 women in a population, a man would have to be a complete social reject in order to not score some honey. Now the reverse-- being one of 30 women in a population of 10 men... well, it's no wonder the old girl finds the whole thing a little challenging at times. When I was a little girl, being married or in a long term sumpin'sumpin' was a given when I was all growed up... "When I'm married..." As I got a little older "When I'm married" turned more into something like "If I ever get married..." Now? Now I just assume that I will not ever be joined in a state of marital bliss. If I had a sister, I fully expect I would be not unlike Patty and Selma from The Simpsons... except of course for some subtle differences... such as no chain smoking and not being an uber fan of MacGuyver. Don't worry it isn't as sad and pathetic as it sounds... It's just one of many realities that I need to accept may come to fruition. No sense beating myself up about it. Besides, I'll have lots of cats to keep me company and with all my friends being married, there will be lots of kids around to call me "ultra-fab" Aunt Beatrice.

So there you have it... the reasons why being a man could be bearable... of course, being a dolphin would be fun too... just not a raccoon. Anything but a raccoon.



lornStar said...

damn!! that was ALMOST the best thing you ever wrote.. buuut you shoulda stopped after "I've decided what I want to come back as in my next life...A Man."

By day.. Mild-mannered Beatrice Petty works as a clerk at the Hairless Kitty Pet Shop.. but at night.. due to a radioactive accident.. Beatrice Petty transforms herself into Toronto's NEWEST SUPERHERO ---- VAGINA WARRIOR !!! lol

Beatrice Petty said...

Oh c'mon Lornstar... you know I jest... but seriously... how does one become as oblivious to the world around them as some men can be? You're all so lucky!

art said...

oh joy----------male bashing. Yeah!

lornStar said...

see that? right there!! your own words.. SOME men.. SOME.. not all .. some.. you just have yet to meet the right one.. keep looking and STOP THINKING.. he is out there somewhere.. don't over analyze everything.. that is the kryptonite for THE VAGINA WARRIOR! be OPTIMISTIC!! it never hurt anybody's eyes to look on the bright side of things you know

former pnb said...

one difference is that when a woman is out drinking and feeling frisky, she can call an ex for some "pleasures" and it is considered cute BUT if/when a guy does it, he's a drunken pig.

just something I have noticed...probably the reason why I have never made "the call"


Beatrice Petty said...

Oh for crying out loud... a simple non-male bashing posting has most decidedly become a Bea bashing...

FYI, I added a disclaimer for all you peeps who forget that I am too dramatic for my own good.

Oh, and former-pnb... you are absolutely right... my mistake, a thousand apologies and all that jazz... Didn't realize that it had offended you so. Not to worry, it'll never happen again.

Girl said...

Hmmm....I find it all quite interesting that somehow an innocent blog about how Bea WANTS to become a man (usually that refers to something positive) has ellicited all these defensive comments that insinuate she was attacking men (something negative) Hmm....I wonder if she hit a nerve. Men? We all know Defensive usually means Damn - she figured us out...Let's ATTACK!

former pnb said...

omg, don't take everything so dramatically (but we all know that that just wouldn't be Bea). I was just following up on your last Post....don't worry, I thought it was "cute" (as stated). you never had to apologize, let alone a thousand times and you definitely did not offend me (as that is almost impossible to you and I both know).

for your own well-being...yes, stick to ponies and butterflies.

Beatrice Petty said...

Just so you know... you all made me cry...

Former-pnb: cute eh? What are you doing tonight???

Just "kidding"... but not really.

art said...

don't cry Bea----I was laughing as I typed it :)

mollyblogger said...

Bea, I don't think anyone was Bea-bashing. Nor do I think that your post was at all bashing the uglier sex. Although, I think that sentence just did. LOL. Y'all know we're prettier.

Truth be told, though... guys do have it right sometimes. Simple is best. We women tend to overcook thoughts and worries until we're sure that the whole entire universe is out to f*$% us. But meanwhile, guys can sit back and just know that the universe is entirely in their hands. Why do we consistently let them call the shots?

I envy guys' attitudes toward dating.

When guys are single, it isn't a big production. They're doing their thing. They're too busy. They're bachelors. So what if we're not awarded the same luxury of being happily single? Let's all trade in spinsterhood for the term "bachelorette"... and realize that we're too busy... being fabulous... to wait around until guys figure out how great we are.

Umm... btw... the ex-PNB brought up "manicure". Is this some new kinky sex thing? If so, I'd like a diagram please.

Beatrice Petty said...

Re: "manicure"... you'd have to ask the former-pnb what his interpretation of that is. I could not presume to answer that on his behalf. Although it is entirely possible that the next time I phone him up late at night, a little tipsy, that I may just offer up a "manicure" and not "pleasures" as previously stated. I suppose only time, and perhaps some Romanian moonshine, will tell

Re" being fabulous. Here here Molly. Welcome back!!!