Wednesday

If it Feels Good Do it!

First off, you may or may not have noticed that Molly has been removed from my links. She has decided that she no longer wishes to share her life with the blogiverse. Everyone, please wish her good luck with the things she wants to accomplish. Of course, we are still roommates so if something of note should take place, you can bet I'll fill you in.

Sadly, or happily, depending on which way you look at it... that isn't the only change that is of note.

I've had a startling revelation of late... And the revelation is thus...

People are selfish.

I've been finding lately that most people seem to be only doing things for themselves. Until very recently, I had never realized that I have been doing the opposite and doing things mostly to please other people... friends, acquaintances etc... only to not have the same courtesy directed back at me. For a long time, things, events etc... that I myself have held as sacred have prevented me from doing things for moi... all because I didn't want to let others down. When I look back, I've been doing it my whole life. I don't want to do that anymore. Always with the empathy... Always the "How would I feel if it happened to me"... When I look back, I understand why I think this way... because it always does happen to me, and it sucks.

Enter Selfish Beatrice.

Selfish Beatrice doesn't feel like doing things for others right now. Selfish Beatrice feels like doing things that will make her, and her alone happy and not because others necessarily expect it, or demand it. There have been many things that I have missed out on recently; personal experiences I could have had but didn't and/or chose not to because I did not want others to be disappointed. Or, things that I didn't really want to do, but did anyway for the same reason-- to make others happy.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to turn into a raging beeyatch or anything like that, I am just not going to be putting my feelings out there to the degree I have been... for the time being anyway. I'll bet that you won't even notice... Still the same person, but back to being the old Bea... Retro Beatrice if you will. The Bea who doesn't open up right away. The Bea who needs time to warm up to someone. One can only handle so much disappointment before it really starts to wear one out. Once upon a time I had a hard time dealing with my softer side and it was only very recently that I tried to do things differently. I wish I could say that it had all been peaches and cream (or Peaches and Lambert as my parents new little SPCA adopted brother and sister kitties are named... who names a cat Lambert? Honestly) and I could say that being more emotional and open has worked out for the best... but it hasn't. So the time has come for the old girl to retreat back into her shell. The one that was, once upon a time, so warm and cozy... at least, from the inside... hopefully to re-emerge when the outside climate is a little warmer... and perhaps whenever that gosh darned Sod is overthrown and the regime changes to something a little more enlightened despot-ish.

Ta,
Bea

7 comments:

Capitaine said...

I'm sorry things have been rough recently for you.

I hope you can find the right balance of caring for yourself and for others. It's hard to find, I know (I'm not sure I have...)

the songstress said...

Oh dear. I'm sorry too that you're feeling this way.

I think J is right. I don't think Selfish Bea is necessarily the answer (though some good old-fashioned hedonism is always fun once in a while). .. the magical ingredient is always balance.

You still have plenty to be cheerful about, Bea. Try not to worry about Sod. He's an asshole... and he feeds on misery. Don't give him the satisfaction.

The Bea I know and love is the one who delights in the small things...

And I'm always here if you need to talk...

the songstress said...

Sorry, should have mentioned that it's Dee...

TheatreChick73 said...

I agree with the songstress that there needs to be balance BUT that having been said, it sounds to me like you had swung way far to the one side and are now swinging way to the other side. It is a balance of sorts.

The "selfish" Bea (which isn't selfish by the way) will have its moment and it too will loose its charm. By experiencing the extreme we find the true balance so to speak.

Ain't life grand? Yeah, I know...

theGuywiththeHat said...

I agree with the balance comments. But, from what you said, you don't know what being selfish means. Or maybe better put, what you think of as being totally selfish is really "balance."

Selfish is asking someone one a date, finding something better to do and then standing that person up. Selfish is getting someone to cook you dinner, help you move, ... knowing that you would never return the favor. Selfish is pushing a little old lady out of the way so you can check out at the grocery store sooner.

If you were really to become a selfish person, we'd notice. Asserting ones self is not being selfish. Realizing that being totally empathetic has encouraged people to treat you like a door mat isn't selfish. Deciding that you should put yourself ahead of others as often as you put them ahead of you isn't selfish.

I may be wrong but, I didn't get the feeling that you are going to turn into a self centered twit. I got the feeling that you are going to focus much more on Bea than you have been recently.

JMHO

Beatrice Petty said...

Thanks Peeps,

I guess "Selfish" was the wrong term to use... how about "Less-Empathetic"... Better? Probably not.

Anyway, thanks all for the constructive advice, always useful in a time like this.

I will be fine though... just need to float through life a little bit numbed for the time being... until I'm ready to put myself out there again.

LuckySpinster said...

i think managing my boundaries and how much i give is one of the most exhausting things in my life. because i do work that involves helping (teaching pilates, reiki), i find that some people are drawn to my energy and want to take it all away. i am torn between wanting to give everything i can and feeling irritable with people who are pulling at me.

balance is one of the hardest things to achieve.