The Complete Idiots' Guide to Primping in Public
Foreword by Beatrice Petty:
So, I was on my usual subway ride to my place of work this morning when I just happened to snag a seat... Yes, a seat in rush hour.
"Wow, that Beatrice is so lucky", I can hear you all murmur with a hint of jealousy in your voice.
One would have thought, but sadly, no... Unfortunately for me, I happened to sit next to an individual of the female persuasion who, it would seem, had decided that the best place for her to put her face on was not in the privacy of her own home, but in front of dozens and dozens of commuters on our lovely TTC.
Second perhaps only to sitting next to the person with a runny nose who feels that it is better to sniff back their snot incessantly rather than risk drawing full attention to themselves by actually blowing their nose or even wiping it on their sleeve... The Public Groomer is a person who I just want to take by the shoulders and shake with all my might.
I happened upon this particular person as she was applying mascara, which, for those not in the know, is usually the last step in the make-up application process. OK, she's almost done, I can live with that, I thought to myself as I sat down with my free subway newspaper. Holy Mother of God, I could not have been more wrong. The next 20 minutes unfolded henceforth:
8:20am: Bea boards the train, scoops a seat next to PG. PG in the middle of applying mascara to her lashes.
8:25am: Mascara still being applied.
8:27am: PG then applies lip gloss.
8:30am: Lip gloss still not applied thickly enough.
8:31am: Sufficient lip gloss level attained. Hair in disarray. Brushing begins.
8:35am: Brushing continues. Bea wonders how much straighter PG's hair can get.
8:37am: Lip gloss level deemed inadequate, glossing resumes. Bea notices others in the car giving PG queer looks.
8:40am: Glossing ends due to what one can only assume to be the expiration on the part of the lip-gloss tube. Mascara application begins a new.
8:45am: Train reaches point of connection. PG abruptly ends grooming only because she has reached her stop. Bea's give PG the "What the?!?!?" look and in return gets the evil eye.
Please find following Bea's Complete Idiot's Guide to Primping in Public. I ask no money for this public service... only that should the desire to get all gussied up in the most public of places strike you, that you consider the feelings of those around you.
1) Public transportation in rush hour is not the environment in which you should apply make-up. Putting on make-up is as private a grooming habit as putting on deodorant and plucking your nose hairs. No one wants to see it. Also, you risk mis-applying said make-up should the bus/subway/streetcar brake or veer suddenly.
2) Putting on lip stick, lip gloss and/or lip balm IS acceptable if not applied in a maniacal or obsessive manner. 1-3 layers is more than ample to bring out the sultry lines of your lips.
3) Please make sure you apply deodorant... bare minimum, once a day. No one likes a Stinky Steven or Sally as the case may be. Also, continuing on in the smell category, please do not use mothballs... ever. Nothing makes me want to vomit more than the smell of mothballs first thing in the morning. Oh, and garlic too. If you decide to apply eau de garlique first thing in the morning, please stay home.
Thank you everyone for your cooperation. Let's all work together to make public transportation a safer and less annoying way to travel.