Well, it turns out that the former-PNB didn’t do all that badly in his television debut. Last night’s episode showed that he had indeed met someone. Was I surprised? Yes. Was I a little bit displeased? Truthfully? Yes. But probably not for the reasons you think.
It has been forever since I’ve had those kinds of feelings for the guy. When we were hanging out last summer, it was never with any thoughts of romance or things of that sort. I just considered him a good guy, a good friend, a big goof. Nothing more. Card nights in with the roommie were always more fun when the former-PNB was over… despite the two tricksters conspiring together to pad my euchre hand whilst I was in the washroom…
Do you know horrible it feels to be completely losing a game and then pick up your cards to find the BEST possible hand and think ‘Oh My God, Oh My God…Yes, this is it… I am SO going to clean up this round, Ok, keep it together Bea… do NOT let them see that a miracle of miracles has just occurred’… Only to have the two of them burst out laughing and admit that they gave me those cards on purpose… ‘Ha Ha, very FUNNY’. I am still scarred to this day. Seriously. Anyway, my point is that I just think that he’s a good guy and I always enjoyed just hangin out. End of story.
Cut to last night, and lo and behold there was actually a connection between him and one of the girls. Like I said, I was a little shocked. Why? Because I would have thought he would have mentioned it to me, if only in passing. Also why? Because honestly… and if you haven’t ever met bitchy Bea, here ye are… I just didn’t think she was all that attractive. I was surprised that of all the girls on the show, that he would have even considered that particular one. And I will be honest-- my first reaction was something along the lines of “He picked Her over ME?”
Isn’t that horrible?
I felt guilty as soon as the thought entered my brain, and yet I still spent the rest of my waking moments of the day dwelling on the matter. I was specifically concerned that I somehow, as mildly insecure as I am, had managed to have this completely over-inflated opinion of myself. I always thought I was kind of cute… no super model or anything like that, but pretty attractive in a simple blue-eyed, freckle-faced way. I always thought I was kind of smart too… and that I was not completely lacking in the personality department. I have been told that sometimes, I make people laugh.
These thoughts actually had me go to the bathroom and stand in front of the mirror. I spent a few minutes looking… REALLY looking at myself and yet, despite needing a haircut in the worst way, I still thought I was kind of cute… in my simple blue-eyed, freckle-faced way.
It’s amazing what a good night’s sleep can do. As always, I just want former-PNB to be happy and so it really does not matter what I think in the least. I dated a short, balding George Costanza-like Englishman for crying out loud… one never knows what one will be attracted to… But the whole affair has got me wondering…
Most women I know tend to be mildly self-loathing. Very few of us think that we are as attractive as we truly are… we are too fat, our heads are too big, hair too short, or too long, or not the right colour, boobs too small, ass too fat, teeth too crooked etc… But is it possible that there are women out there who actually think they are MORE attractive than they actually are? A reverse self-loathing if you will. Just curious.
Anyhoo, at the end of the day, my evening of self-doubt changed nothing… it was just a little blip in my otherwise orderly and sane world…
I still think I am attractive in my simple blue-eyed, freckle-faced way.
I still think that I am smart.
I still think I have a great personality.
I am still in desperate need of a haircut.
Bea ‘I thought TV was my friend’ Petty