The Day That Shall Not Be Named

Oh goody!

Valentine's Day is here once again. I've never been a big fan of the day myself. Since I have been old enough to be into the opposite sex, I seem to have developed this curious knack for always being single on Valentine's Day. Of course, there have been a few exceptions, but for some inexplicable reason, I will either break up with the person I am with just days before VD, or I will meet a great fella just days after or, as has been the case since I moved to this fine city... just not meet anyone at all. It used to frustrate me to no end but thankfully that is no longer the case as being frustrated takes up too much darn mental energy and I have decided to do my utmost to not dwell on things that take up too much of my mental energy. Here are some other things that I choose not to dwell on at the particular moment:

1) Being single period. No offence to any men out there who may be reading this, but I just do not get what goes on inside your heads sometimes. So, I have chosen to not even bother. If you want to woo a girl with incessant flattery and speak to no end about how much you want to be with her, and then turn around and throw her to the curb when she breaks down and relents to your endless attempts at physical intimacy, you go right ahead. It is not for me to try and figure out what is going on in that pretty little head of yours. All I need to do is sit back and let Karma work it's magic (I feel the need to mention briefly that the above did not happen to me... for once... this time... although I am sure at some point in my dating life it has...). For now, single is where this girl is at and not looking to meet anyone anytime soon!

2) The fact that I will be one year older in 2 days. I used to love to celebrate my birthday but I found as I started to approach a certain age that I started enjoying it less and less. In fact, it started to depress me. As thoughts of getting older and not being where I thought I would be, both personally and professionally began to constantly swirl around my brain, I found that each passing year added to that anxiety. This year, however, I have done a 180. Instead of stressing out about it... trying to figure out what the next year will bring... and even more stressful, trying to come up with a fun way to celebrate... I have decided that I am just going to let this one go. To let it pass with very little fan fair and save myself for St. Paddy's Day.

3) The past month. January was a rather difficult month for me. I found that what I really needed after Oreo died was some time alone to grieve in peace and this I was not able to get. In some ways it embittered me and what should have been a great start to the new year became a total disaster. When the roommie lost someone close to her last year, she likened herself to a rage ball... and that is probably the best way to describe it.

But then I got Hugh and that seems to have helped with filling the hole that had been created when Oreo passed. I still feel a little lost but instead of dwelling on what did happen, I am going to focus on what will happen... focus on turing this year around and getting schtuff accomplished. The past month I have been fearful of getting back to my writing, for at the exact moment that Oreo was slipping away in the loft, I was in town at a cafe with the inspiration to finish of the story that I have been working on for a few years now. I will never know if the triumphant "Ah Ha!" moment that I experienced that day with regards to the ending that I was unable to come up with for the better part of the year occurred at the exact moment that she passed, but it would have been pretty damn close. The thought that the universe gave me something very great while taking away something very dear to me has been quite difficult to deal with. I have not been able to put pencil to paper since that time for fear that it might happen again. But in the spirit of not dwelling I will get back to it forthwith. It's a finished story for crying out loud. It is why I moved to this city in the first place after all.

4) Work. Ugh... I enjoy my job, and it truly is not a difficult job at all. A monkey could do it for the most part... granted it would have to be a highly gifted monkey... but a monkey nonetheless. Anyway, with too many restless and sleepless nights caused by thoughts of work in recent months, I really need to nip this in the bud. It's not like people will die if I don't respond to a request within 2.5 seconds... or that the fate of the world hangs on whether or not I get something edited in time. Take some deep breaths and just let it all go at night... Hello meditation, goodbye night time work anxiety!

I guess that's about it. Looking back to what I read, it does not really seem like all that much actually. And definitely seems quite manageable. It's amazing how putting something down in writing and just getting it all out can work wonders for the soul.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

TTFN,
Bea

PS... speaking of rage balls, please follow the link below to what may or may not be my roommie's review of the Lord of the Rings musical that she may or may not have gone to see with her BF this past weekend. For those of you, like myself, who have entertained thoughts and or been really excited to go see this I suggest reading it from start to finish. If you still decide to go and see it, good luck... Ye be warned!

http://lotrintoronto.blogspot.com/