The Treachery of the 8-Ball

OK people, so here's the scoop. I've alluded to the fact that I started conversing with an English chappie a while back. It turned out that he was going to be in Toronto on business in early September. Yippee. He was a really nice guy. We had lots in common. He was funny, smart, successful, not to bad to look at... all the ingredients Bea looks for in her manwich, if you will.

So the getting to know each other from a distance began in earnest and after a while he began referring to me as darling, text messaging me telling me he couldn't wait to meet me etc... You know, the usual. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't a teeny bit looking forward to him coming either. Romanian moonshine aside, Bea's love life has been a tad dry these days and I thought, hey... could be a fun week, no harm no foul... At any rate, I bought into the whole thing, hook line and sinker...

For a while anyway...

However, not being completely and utterly half-witted I did allow myself to recognize that something was amiss. Granted, it took me three weeks, but there you have it. It began the friday before last, a week before his arrival. Now, I hate being suspicious... I strive to trust people and the things that they tell me but if someone starts avoiding answering questions and/or changes the subject entirely, only someone who IS, in fact, completely and utterly half-witted would not raise their eyebrows. When he didn't know anything about his itinerary, I became open to the possibility that he was not coming. But as he continued to spout his "I don't take care of those details, my secretary does" mantra, I could almost believe it. Sufficed to say, due to the fact that I was not entirely sure he was coming at all, I became much less excited about him coming... at all.

I knew DEFINITELY that he wasn't coming two days prior to his alleged arrival. When you STILL don't know the details of your flight... "after lunch sometime" hardly qualifies as knowing the details and then start babbling about getting Visas yadda yadda yadda then Dude, just admit it... you aren't coming. Oh, and while you are at it, don't get mad at me when I question whether you are coming or not. Telling me that British people need a Visa when coming to Canada is just not true. I happened to have known this already (it's a long story, but I happen to know a fair bit about the immigration system in our country), but when it took me 2.5 seconds to confirm it on the internet... what I'm getting at is that someone who was actually flying to Canada in two days time would know that they do not need a Visa. So that is when I definitely knew he was not coming... Yes, I was a little disappointed, but it was not wholly unexpected as I had been somewhat thinking along that line myself for a while anyway.

And so, yesterday was the big day. Girl, bless her, was optimistic until the end... Something about me feeling silly when he calls when he arrives in Toronto... but I didn't even need to wait until then. Still open to the possibility that I had completely and utterly misread all my signs and that my instincts had been way off (as we all know, this happens to me frequently, so I am ALWAYS open to the possibility of this happening), I knew that the question would be answered once and for all the moment I turned my computer on at work. If he was online... he was obviously not on a flight bound for Canada. Sometimes I hate being right.

The following is the unedited msn conversation that followed, only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. I have to give him credit... he kept the charade up to the very last. He's a gifted little nut job, I'll give him that.

Beatrice... Have ye heard the legend of the fruit ... says:
so... when you are not "away"... I'd love to pick your brain...

Big-Fat Lying Idiot says:
Big Fat Lying Idiot has left for the airport, I'm using his computer when he is away. He will kill me for this, but who are you?

Beatrice... Have ye heard the legend of the fruit ... says:
no worries...

Beatrice... Have ye heard the legend of the fruit ... says:
no one important

Big Fat Lying Idiot says:
tell me, if he has you on his list you must be someone

Big Fat Lying Idiot says:
tell me

Big Fat Lying Idiot says:
tell me

Big Fat Lying Idiot says:
don't make me call his mobile

Beatrice... Have ye heard the legend of the fruit ... says:
... seriously... no one. i'll catch up with him later

Big Fat Lying Idiot says:
too late I already called, he leaves late afternoon, you are a canadian chick who loves british guys

Big Fat Lying Idiot says:
lucky for you, I'm american and we are way hotter than brits!

Jennifer... Have ye heard the legend of the fruit ... says:
agreed americans have the potential to be very hot

Big Fat Lying Idiot says:
I am way hotter than Big Fat Lying Idiot

Beatrice... Have ye heard the legend of the fruit ... says:
do you have a picture you can send me? (** feel I need to mention here that this is where Molly told me to play along with his madness**)

Big Fat Lying Idiot says:
I am sure I do

Big Fat Lying Idiot says:
what sort of picture do you want?

Big Fat Lying Idiot says:
are you looking for a hot yank you can spank?

Beatrice... Have ye heard the legend of the fruit ... says:
... i dunno, you were the one who said you were hot...

Beatrice... Have ye heard the legend of the fruit ... says:
not particularily...

Big Fat Lying Idiotsays:
whatever baby!

Beatrice... Have ye heard the legend of the fruit ... says:
actually, i think i'll just stick with candian guys from no on thanks...

Beatrice... Have ye heard the legend of the fruit ... says:
less apt to fuck with a gal's mind

Beatrice... Have ye heard the legend of the fruit ... says:
and i guess being on Big Fat Lying Idiot's computer logs you on to Beautiful People automatically as well

Beatrice... Have ye heard the legend of the fruit ... says:
might want to be careful on that front... he may not appreciate being set up by a yank while he is gone

Big Fat Lying Idiot says:
what is beautiful people, I saw Suzie playing with that earlier?

Beatrice... Have ye heard the legend of the fruit ... says:
a place where seemingly very shallow and insecure people go to meet other shallow and insecure people... i went on as a joke, but it turns out the joke was on me... so hysterically funny...

Big Fat Lying Idiot says:
what was the joke?

Beatrice... Have ye heard the legend of the fruit ... says:
oh you know... the same old story... guy meets girl... guy tells girl he's coming into town for business... guy spends month wooing said girl... guy turns out to be totally insane etc...

Beatrice... Have ye heard the legend of the fruit ... says:
it was a very funny joke

Big Fat Lying Idiot says:
is this you?

Big Fat Lying Idiot says:
is the guy Big Fat Lying Idiot? what did he do to be insane,

Beatrice... Have ye heard the legend of the fruit ... says:
are you really going to keep this up forever?

Big Fat Lying Idiot says:
but he is on the way to canada as we speak

Big Fat Lying Idiot says:
why don't you call him?

Beatrice... Have ye heard the legend of the fruit ... says:
excellent... then maybe i'll see him while he is here

Beatrice... Have ye heard the legend of the fruit ... says:
are you kidding... long distance during the day

Big Fat Lying Idiot says:
toronto people are misers!!

And... cut. I felt that was the logical end to the conversation. A few things struck me as odd while it was taking place. Did you pick up on them? I'll give you a moment to go back and find them. Think you've figured them out? Ok... here they are.

1) If BFLI was going to "kill" this person who was said he was not BFLI for using his computer, he was sure quick to call BFLI and tell him as much.
2) In all of history, I do not think an american has EVER referred to him or herself as a "yank". As far as I know, only British people call Americans "yanks"... but I could be mistaken on this point.
3) If you are using your bosses' computer (which he will supposedly kill you for using anyway) and you are talking to someone on his msn list who "must be someone because he has you on his list"... I hardly think that it is appropriate to ask me 4 lines into the conversation whether or not I am "looking for a hot yank I can spank" or telling me that you are "way hotter than BFLI". Is it not possible that I might be a business aquaintance?

Phew... so there you have it. An interesting little adventure to say the least. Am I glad it happened? No. Does it restore my faith that there might actually be decent and normal guys out there? Again, no. Do I feel like and idiot? Yes. But what's done is done and it cannot be changed... but just once, I would like Sod to take the day off. Maybe if we all pitched in, we could collect enough money to send him on a vacation for a couple of weeks. What do you say?

Bea