Breaking the Cycle

I was thinking last night... about many things as usual... at some point I must have been thinking about poisonous carrots, unicorns and deserted islands because I had a CRAZY dream incorporating all three last night... anyway... that's not for here.

So I was thinking, as a person prone to insomnia is apt to do... stupid active mind. Anyway, with nary an exciting love match to dwell on at the moment my stupid active mind wandered to past exciting love matches. For what purposes? Who knows, it just did.

At any rate, my mind led me to a place where I thought back to what had gone wrong, or more to the point, what I had done wrong... and not just with relationships ended by the other person, but by ones ended by me. The one common denominator in all of them was that they these relationships were dominated by "excuses" in one form or another. And not excuses put forth by others necessarily, excuses that I made, to justify the behaviour of others and even my own feelings. The conclusion that I came to? No more excuses!!! You can't help the way you feel, just as others cannot help the way they feel. What you can do is live life on your terms and making excuses is letting others have the control whether they are aware of it or not. Most likely the latter.

If you have to make excuses, then something isn't right. In the realm of relationships, if the person is right for you and vice versa, excuses should not be necessary. The following are some examples of excuses I have made and/or been the victim of and have been both the excuse-er and the excuse-ee at one point in time or another.

"He/she wants to spend time with me, but he/she's so busy"
Bull crap. If a person wants to spend time with you, then he/she will make the time. Anything less then obviously you are not anywhere near this persons' priority and it would be best to move on to someone who will may you their priority, otherwise you'll be spending the next who knows how long making excuses for their other behaviour. Somewhat related but not really is a new person in your life (ahem... lavaperson) who just can never seem to find the time to meet up with you... "I don't know what to say, work/I've just never been this busy ever but..." I have used this excuse only when I had too many guys on the go. This excuse coming from me could just as well have read "... but as soon as I am done meeting the other 16 people who I have more interest in AND if none of them work out, I'll give you a call." Nice Karma Bea...

"He/She isn't committing because they have been single for a long time and are afraid to give up their independence"
A personal favorite of mine as it was one that I used for many a month when it came to the former-PNB... as some of my friends here can attest to (thanks for being too nice to give me a shake and tell me I was being an idiot). I used this excuse to fool myself into believing that his lack of commitment/ not wanting to spend very much time with me could not have possibly been that he was NOT interested in me (I am way too adorable after all)... he just had some inner issues to deal with and once they were sorted things would be all roses and puppy dogs. I was an idiot, it's true, but I am super glad it happened because I learned that the excuse only served to drag a hopeless situation on longer than it should have and I will never again accept anything less than what I deserve. Even the staunchest of bachelors/bachelorettes will willingly give up their single lives when the right person comes along.

"He/She isn't smothering me, he/she just loves me. I just need some more time"
Another one I used on myself and again it made a hopeless situation drag on for longer than it should have. It's a very bad feeling when you realize that your partner's feelings towards you are far stronger than yours will ever be. You may love me, but when the thought of you touching me makes me shudder, more time is not the answer. And even more time? Definitely not the answer. And even more time after that... You get the idea. Lesson learned Universe.

Of course there are even more excuses people use to justify the behaviour of others and they can be pretty bad. Physical and emotional abuse are things that I have yet to come across (knock on a GIANT piece of wood), but my expert experience from having watched many a day time talk show is that the abusee excuses the behaviour of the abuser (It was my fault, I got him/her angry...) and thus perpetuates the cycle.

anyway, I didn't want to get so terribly dark... This is all just part of my personal growth. Admitting it is the first step to recovery after all. Break the cycle.



Wee's random coworker said...

This post rocks. I have been feeling this way too. Either you are right for each other and just in love or youre not. Why waste your time with someone that is not your ideal, you could be missing out on your soulmate in the meantime. I dont believe that a relationship should really take much work, you should just be happy together. Hold out for happiness is my new motto. Go Bea!

Beatrice Petty said...

Hold out for Happiness is fantabulous!!! Thanks WRC... it is you, in fact, who rocks!

TheatreChick73 said...

A swift kick in the arse if ever I needed one. I shall mark it and return to it often as I will probably need a good kick now and then. Especially over Excuse #1.

What's worse than the excuse is the fact that I/we buy it. Glad to know one of us female types has finally put her foot down.

Hope not only floats, it rocks. Thanks Bea!