Life's Little Reassurances are Fun!

I don’t think it’s any secret to the people who see me on a regular basis to know that I have had some thoughts about moving back to BC. If you didn’t well now you know. I have had thoughts and I have had many of them. They are the same thoughts that I have always when I start getting antsy and being thinking that my life would be better if I lived somewhere else. However, I am fully aware that this is a terrible pattern in my life… thinking that they grass is always greener on the other side of the street, or in my case, the other side of the country… or if I am being truly honest, a completely different country altogether. But if Toronto has taught me anything it is not the place that makes your life, it is you that needs to make your place your life. What does this mean? It means that thoughts of wanting to flee in the middle of the night with my cat and the clothes on my back aside, I am determined to make Toronto work.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that things are always great for me here. They are mostly but I have a lot of frustrations too. My social life leaves something to be desired much of the time. Some weeks are fabulous, others are just so-so. A person only needs to read snippets of BP over the last couple of years to know that I am completely incapable of meeting, communicating, dating and/or keeping a boy around long enough to learn his last name. I have come to terms with that but it’s still rather annoying from time to time.

So, whatever, I have these thoughts of leaving that I try not to think about because, much like not being able to hold down a relationship for any length of time, I find them annoying. But apparently my subconscious has other ideas…

Last night’s sleep was not a very restful one. I fell asleep OK but was awoken at various times throughout the night by whatever disruptive activity my cat was engaged in at the time. I am here to tell you that you have not been rudely awakened until you have been rudely awakened by a small domesticated animal attacking the sh*t out of your hand and arm… But when I did sleep, man did I ever dream…

I can’t remember where, when or in what context I heard this in but apparently hearing about other people’s dreams is one of the most boring things you can be subjected to. I guess I could agree where it not for the fact that my friends have some pretty interesting dreams and I always enjoy hearing about them. I have been known to have some doozies myself… How could I ever forget my Charlie Sheen tampon dream? Clearly I cannot…

In a nutshell, in the dream my Mom was coming over to pick me up to take me home for the weekend. In the dream I was horrified; sick with anxiety because I just wanted to stay home and live my life. In my dream I thought to myself “don’t do it, don’t go back the BC, even for the weekend, you’ll regret it”… And in the dream(s) I was writing… doing lots of writing. But the moment that I started to think about going back to BC, I could no longer put pen to paper. When I made up my mind to call and cancel my BC weekend with the folks, I felt free… And thus was essentially the way the rest of the dream played out over and over.

So, a few things spring to my mind when I began the analysis this morning… The first and most glaring point being that it’s possible that I hate my parents. But I don’t… the thought of spending two solid weeks with them so soon after Christmas may leave me with heart palpitations, but I know that come November I will be itching to get back to see them. So I am pretty sure this wasn’t about the folks. What I’ve decided to take away from the dream is that good times or bad, Toronto is exactly where I need to be right now.

Inhale… Exhale… Smile…

This is great news!