T’is an odd thing. It seems I am incapable of posting on BP when I am happy. When things are going great. When I had seemingly found a really great guy. Seemingly. And so, now that it’s over, I am faced with the desire to talk about and share my unhappiness. Weird.
Things with the Scotsman were, until this week, amazing. I cannot remember the last time, if ever, I was with someone who was so, SO into me. And I him. I’d see the call display on the phone… or the message pop up on msn… or an email with his name attached… and I would be overcome with a sh*t eating grin like you would not believe. And this happened everyday, sometimes 2, 3, 4 times. We talked. A LOT. About everything. And when we saw each other, well, there was no doubt in my mind as to how he felt. Over the course of the past 2 months he became an extremely important person in my life. As much a friend as he was anything else, but so much more. I shared things with him that I had never shared with anybody… and he did with me as well.
Almost as if he had never existed at all… or perhaps I should say almost as if I did not exist at all. The thought crossed my mind that something had happened all accident-like and he was incapable of contacting me. Sometimes being uber crafty works against me… I know that he’s not lying dead in a ditch somewhere. So, now knowing that he is physically capable of letting me know that he is still alive, that just leaves the fact that he plain old just doesn’t want to let me know he is. After 2+ months of talking every single day and then not hearing from him for coming up 5 days… As that lovely book would say… He’s just not that into you if… he’s disappeared off the planet.
But here’s the kick. I can’t decide if I am more upset that it is over… or in the way he chose to end it. So explicit he was at the beginning about always being honest with someone, dissing somebody is something that he would NEVER do etc… Well, he’s done exactly that and I am so horribly disappointed in it.
Last night was the point-of-no-return for me. After unreturned messages (don’t worry, not in a bunny boiler 8 times a day kind of way. I called only twice since last speaking on Monday… Tuesday because we had ended Monday’s conversation with “I’ll talk to you tomorrow” so as to continue discussing what we were going to do on the weekend. Thus I did not think twice about not calling… and then last night because, well… I just plain missed him and wanted to hear his voice) and an unacknowledged email sent earlier in the week informing him that I scored a second interview for a job that I had been quite excited about for some time…plus not ever ‘logging’ in to msn (read “I’ve been blocked”)…
Last night was the night when things might have been able to get back on track. That I might have bought an excuse and/or accepted an apology. Now? I can scarcely think of a reason he could give me that I would not think is total and utter bull or that would justify his silence. On some level would he not think that I might be worried that something had happened to him? After all, he knows not about the craftiness of my nature so for all intents and purposes, he has been lying dead in a ditch for the last 5 days. It’s like WTF? Seriously. I am disgusted that someone who quite proudly stated when we first started talking about being the guy who restores women’s faith in men, why he chose to do just the opposite. To someone that he so clearly cared about on some level.
I am starting to grow weary of drawing boards…