I spoke with my Mom last night… blah, blah, blah… she loves me and is proud of both my brother and I… how we never needed anti-depressants growing up. You know, the usual parental gushing stuff.
Somehow we got turned on to talking about when she was pregnant with me and how much I did not want to come out. I was two weeks overdue and apparently that was quite irritating to her. She just wanted me out. But I didn’t want to come. I was cozy. I was safe. She decided that the best way to make me pop out would be to engage in a rigorous house vacuuming session which she proceeded to do. I guess it worked because said vacuuming did induce labour and off to the hospital Ma and Pa went.
Sadly, there were also a lot of other babies who decided to make that appearance that fateful February 15th. My insistence on staying inside my nice cozy womb had meant that of those expectant Mothers to be, my Mommy arrived last and there was no room at the inn. So, not unlike the biblical story of old, Mr. and Mrs. Petty were put in the manger… or broom closet…
29 hours later and I still did not want to come out. I guess my Dad got bored of my Mom being in labour so he left the manger/broom closet to take a quick nap in the cafeteria. My mom wasn’t impressed. After all, my Dad was the one who had gotten her into this mess in the first place and god dammitt he was going to suffer the consequences along with her. So back my Dad came.
Shortly thereafter I arrived and was promptly whisked away to the nursery. A while later Mrs. Petty felt well enough after her ordeal to take a trip to the nursery to have a look at her new darling baby girl. When she gazed upon her new daughter, tears began to flow. Partly due to joy. Partly due to the hideousness of the creature that lay before her.
Skin peeling, scaly, blotchy, red and hairless…
Mrs. Petty had given birth to a Lizard Baby.
“All the other babies are so beautiful”, Ma Petty asked the nurse. “Why is my baby so repulsive to look at?”
The nurse proceeded to explain “Well Mrs. Petty, didn’t you know? When babies are two weeks over due, their skins start to react to the liquid in the womb, so your baby will be scaly and shed her skin for quite some time before it returns to normal”?
“Yes, but why is she as red as a tomato?” inquired the new mother. “All the other babies have a beautiful golden hue, as if the goddess herself had smiled down upon them and blessed them. Why, why does my baby look like such a freak of nature?”
The nurse laughed, “Hahahahaha Mrs. Petty, why, don’t you know? Most babies are born with jaundice which causes their skin to turn a yellowish hue. Your daughter, unsightly as she may be, is the healthiest of the lot. At least she would be,” paused the nurse, “if she was not molting.”
And that, my friends, is the story of how I came to be.
Bea “LizI AM the Lizard Queen” Petty
PS. And I do peel. To this day, put me out in the sun for 5 minutes and I will burn. It’s probably due to the fact that I lost more skin within the first 2 hours of being born than most people do in their life time.